Martin's Greatest Challenge So Far
by Kelaiah
Summary: Random mousemaids are always coming along to comfort Martin about Rose... but what if one of these Sues came along when Martin's already being comforted by another Sue?
1. The mousemaid

The mousemaid looked up ahead and saw the dusky-red towering towers (no pun intended) of Redwall Abbey reaching above the emerald leaves of the trees that formed Mossflower Woods.

With a squeal of delight that she valiantly tried to suppress into a look of sobriety, the beautiful mousemaid quickened her pace, anxiously glancing up at the sky, which looked as though it were threatening to rain if she didn't get to the abbey soon.

Drawing her ragged cloak about her slender, perfectly sculpted form in a most piteous, feel-sorry-for-me fashion, the fair maiden looked up at the red sandstone ramparts of Redwall with soulful blue eyes that would've put the very sky to shame with their unearthly blueness.

Finally the mousemaid made it up to the humongous gates of Redwall Abbey and knocked on them hurriedly in a dainty, ladylike fashion, readying herself to call out for help.

There was no need, however, for almost right after she finished knocking, the gates opened a bit and a plump male mouse wearing a green jerkin peered out at her. He looked like he was suffering from both a serious headache, yet there was a gleeful sparkle in his eyes that suggested that he had been laughing recently.

Of course the mousemaid knew that this mouse was Gonff, but she couldn't say that because she hadn't been introduced to him yet-

"Oh no, not another one," the mouse grumbled. His voice, oddly enough, sounded like it was caught between a groan and a laugh.

This rather surprised the mousemaid, but nevertheless the gracefully pulled back her hood to reveal a most beautiful face with finely chiseled features that were perfectly even and delicate and lovely. The sun caught in her golden-brown fur like a field of ripened grain, and her blue eyes glowed with warmth and gentleness that hid a fire that was burning inside . . . a fire of a warrior. She was incredibly, immensely, _enormously _pretty, as beautiful as a dewey spring morning combined with a summer morning, a spring evening, and a summer evening.

"My name is Polysaccharose," the mousemaid murmured. Her voice was as clear and fresh and bubbly as a-

"Uh, yeah, nice to meet chah," interrupted Gonff, saving the author the trouble of trying to come up with more descriptions for the lovely newcomer. "Eh, if you're here to meet Martin, he's kinda busy right now."

"Busy?" cried Polysaccharose. Her story had only begun! It couldn't end now! She and Martin were _destined_ to go through _so many wonderful adventures_ where she would find out about his lost love, Laterose, and he would realize how similar, she, Polysaccharose, was to Laterose (they had "rose" in their names, after all), and then he would fall in love with her and then they would live happily at Redwall together for the rest of their-

"You'll have to come back some other time," Gonff said, hurriedly closing the door. "Bye."

With lightening reflexes and the strength of ten badgers, Polysaccharose shot out her slender, dainty paw and stopped the mousethief from shutting the gate on her. Gonff looked out at the mousemaid and saw that her eyes were now an icy shade of blue that burned with a cerulean fire.

"What's going on?" Polysaccha . . . you know what? I think I'd save a lot of time and effort in simply calling her "Polly", eh?

"What do you mean Martin is busy?" the Sue (for that's what she was) demanded, putting her slender body against the door and pushing her way in.

"Ah, its a long story," Gonff said, straining to keep the mousemaid from getting in.

"I've got a long story too," Polly said through gritted teeth, slipping one of her perfect legs through the door. "So maybe me and Martin can exchange our stories, eh?"

Gonff narrowed his eyes, suddenly serious. "Look, we can't have you in here alright? We can only handle one at a time-"

_"One at a time?!"_

Even though she didn't know exactly what that meant, Polly threw all of her strength at the door and Gonff went flying ten feet back, coming to a skidding hault in the dirt. The gates banged open and Polly leapt over the threshold and looked wildly around, her eyes darting every which way for Martin the Warri-

Suddenly she saw him.

There, across the lawn, by the orchard . . . . and with him . . . .

. . . . was another mousemaid!

A mousemaid with deep, dark chocolate brown fur and big, huge, clear sparkling eyes of the deepest, loveliest green. . . .

You could almost hear the evil music theme: Duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuh!


	2. The other mousemaid

**A/N:** Okay, in our last chapter, a Sue had come to Redwall with a quest to comfort an angsting Martin over the loss of his true love, Laterose of Noonvale, only to find that Martinw as already being comforted by another Sue. Let's see what happens, shall we?

* * *

Polysaccharose, or Polly, as the author shall call her for the sake of keeping his sanity rather than strain himself in trying to remember how to spell such a name, couldn't believe her clear large soft warm kind beautiful wonderfully blue eyes! 

Here she was, in all her perfect wondrous awe-inspiring beauty with her golden fur and her rosy-pink delicate nose and shell-like ears and slim, perfectly sculpted body, and Martin was with another mousemaid!

How could he? He was destined to be _Polly's_, not some swamp-eyed mouse-wench with fur the color of icky mud!

But of course. It wasn't _Martin's_ fault. Oh no. Martin was _perfect._ Or at least, _almost_ perfect. He was almost as perfect as Polly.

It was _her!_

That _mouse-wench!_

That mouse-wench had cast a spell on her Martin, and it was up to Polly to save his life!

* * *

Martin the Warrior was desperately trying to escape Mareah's grip, but the beautiful mousemaid had a death grip on his burly arms. 

"Listen," he groaned, his head almost turned all the way around as he was trying not to be kissed by the Sue. "I'm not sad about Rose's death anymore, I've gotten over it, I've moved on-"

"No you haven't," the mousemaid murmured, her perfect lips desperately seeking his, her emerald turqoise eyes with their diamond-like shine glittering with a thousand stars from underneath her long sooty black lashes. "I know you haven't. You say that only to be brave. But I know what is in your fragile, broken heart. You yearn to be in Rose's arms again. You wish that you may lay your head down in her lap and cry, you wish that you may kiss her again, but you don't have to go on wishing! I'm here! Rose is here! She is here inside me! I am the wonderful incarnation of your true love, Martin, and you and I-"

_WHUMP!_

Mareah got no further, for at that moment a golden-furred fist came swinging out of nowhere and thudded into her perfect wonderful cheek, knocking her ten feet away from Martin.

Relieved beyound what he could say, the warrior turned with a grateful smile to his rescuer-

-only to have his eyes widen in terror.

He desperately tried to run away, only to be gripped again in the deathlock of another Sue, only this time one with golden fur and blue eyes.

"It's alright, Martin," Polly murmured in her beloved's ear before her lips sought his.

Martin squeaked and squirmed and wriggled, desperately trying to escape. _"No! Nonononononononononono NO! NO!"_

Polly was at first surprised, and even a little hurt by her soul mate's actions, but she almost instantly figured it had to do with him being in denial over his feelings for Rose, or he was in shock over that mouse-wench trying to kiss him - the nerve of somebeasts!

"Shh," Polly whispered, holding Martin's arms with one paw as she turned his face towards hers' with the other. "It's alright. You don't have to go on with pangs in your heart for Rose any longer. Your _real_ true love is he-"

_WHUMP!_

This time Polly went flying, coming to a skidding halt in the dirt. She sprang up instantly, not covered in any dirt whatsoever (she was a Sue, after all, Sues are incapable of becoming dirty), a righteous fire in her glowing blue orbs.

"Like, who are you?!" the other mousemaid demanded, her emerald eyes blazing with a righteous fury that matched Polly's.

Polly wasn't afraid of her in the least bit, being the strong, fearless, selfless creature that she was. She stood erect and looked down her perfect delicate nose at the other, and proclaimed, "I am Polysaccharose, Warriormaid of the Flowerjewel clan! I have come here seeking to heal the heart-wounds of my true love and soul mate, Martin the Warrior," she added in a dreamy voice as she turned her gaze lovingly at where Martin lay on the ground, his gray eyes switching nervously from one Sue to the other.

"And just who are you?" Polly demanded, looking at the other mousemaid in disgust.

The other mousemaid drew herself up with just as much poise and grace and dignity and beauty as Polly, and proclaimed herself just as theatrically, "I am Mareah Sucrose, daughter of Wilkar the Warrior, who was slain by Drakar Vasken the stoat, brother of Badrang the Tyrant! Drakar enslaved me and forced me into Redwall as a spy, but I have betrayed him now that I have my true love and soul mate, Martin the Warrior," she added in a dreamy voice as she turned her gaze lovingly at Martin. Her gaze and voice hardened when she looked at Polly again. "I was just telling him that I have left Drakar to be with him when _you _showed up. Who do you think you are?"

"I think I'm the love of Martin's life, that's who!" Polly screeched, her blue eyes glowing furiously.

"Well, _I_ don't think, I _know_ I'm the _real_ love of Martin's life!" Mareah retorted, giving her long chocolate brown headfur a beautiful toss.

"Hmph!" came Polly's reply as she too gave her miraculous headfur a graceful toss onto her perfect slender shoulders. "You are wrong. _I_ am the _real_ true love of Martin the Warrior!"

"You're not! I am!" Mareah screamed, giving Polly a shove.

"No I am!" Polly squealed, shoving back.

"No I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

_"I am!"_

"No I am!"

_SLAP!_

"Augh!"

_SLAP!_

"Gasp!"

Suddenly both mousemaids drew their swords and began hacking away at each other - with Martin right in between them.

* * *

All the while Gonff had been watching the scene, leaning up against the abbey building with his arms folded, shaking his head. 

Columbine walked up.

"Why aren't you helping him?!" the pretty mousewife demanded.

"What can I do?" Gonff asked, looking at his wife. It was true, though. There wasn't much that Gonff _could _do.

However, there was something that Columbine could do. . . .

"Yes, and that is?" Columbine asked after a few minutes.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you already knew," said the author.

"Well, I didn't," Columbine replied matter of factly.

"Whatever," said the author.

Now, what Columbine can do is. . . . (_whisper whisper whisper_)

* * *

**A/N:** And just _WHAT _is it that Columbine can do?! Find out in the next chapter! 

Columbine: But they can't find out in the next chapter. You haven't posted it yet. (glances at Kelaiah's files) Hey, you don't even have the next chapter! You're just making this up as you go along!

Kel: Um, uh . . . SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Don't tell anyone that!

Columbine: They already know, idiot.

Kel: Hey, do you want those Sues to be Canon fodder or not?!

Columbine: Alright, fine, fine.

Kel: Alright. Ahem, yes, folks, just stay tuned for the next chapter!


	3. What Columbine Can Do

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall in any way, shape, or form. Nor do I own Martin, Gonff, or Columbine for that matter. I do, unfortunately, own Polly and Mareah. (sigh)

**Ethias Mouse:** Or you could just call it a femme battle, eh? ;)

**Ladyofthebookworms:** Actually, even though yes I do like sugar (especially chocolate), I got the name 'Polysaccharose' from Adverk when he was talking about Sues in a review of his. It was long and sweet and it had 'rose' in it, so it seemed perfect (haha, 'perfect') for a comforting-hurt-Martin-Sue. Also, as for 'Mareah Sucrose', it was actually my _mom_ who thought of it. I was talking to her about Sues and she suggested the name. Ah, my mom. What would I do without her?

**nebula212255:** Heh, Sues getting into a fistfight. It could happen. Thanks for the idea!

**warrior4:** Actually, from what I've seen with Sues (real Sues, not parody-Sues), whenever they're around Columbine, she instantly likes them, or she doesn't have a very big part in the story. However, in this fic, that is going to change. Heeheehee. . . .

**Awsomewriter123:** Yes, Sue chicks ARE crazy. What tipped yah off? ;)

**storiewriter:** Glad you loved the Sue scene! I was a little worried this fic wouldn't be loved as much. But how is your cowriter worse than me? You mean she updates quicker? O please, I'm so lazy when it comes to updating. There are so many fics that I have that are _begging_ for a new chapter. (Shame on me!) Kinda glad you hated the cliffhanger. But don't you think that shooting daggers at my ferret-alter ego will get this chapter to update any quicker!

Ferret-Kel: But it did.

Human-Kel: . . . .oh right. . . . .well, shut up anyway! (grabs Ferret-Kel by the neck)

Ferret-Kel: (eyes bulging out of sockets) ACK! BLEAH! ACK BLEAH! ICK ACK! (skinny limbs flail about while his head grows three sizes)

Human-Kel: Ahem. Well, on with the show!

* * *

Each Sue was hacking mercilessly at one another. 

Unfortunately, both were _such_ great swordbeasts, they were able to evade/block/parry/or whatever-you-call-it the other's blade with their lightning-fast reflexes and incredible agility.

In other words, neither Sue was harmed, even though both were not wearing any armor (just tunics that flattered their beautiful gorgeous figures in a most flattering way, Mareah wearing a tunic of a most lovely shade of green that mightily complemented her eyes, embroidered with black velvet and gold and silver and rubies, while Polly was wearing a tunic of a deep vivid red-pink trimmed with black and pearls and embroidered with black-and-gold flowery vines), and were armed with ten foot long, five feet wide, super-sharp golden swords with jagged jewels and pointy silver.

As for Martin, he too did not have a scratch on him, even though he was still in the middle of their fight, but he was the _love of their lives!_ The Sues took extra-special care not to inflict any damage upon their beloved, which showed just what great swordbeasts they were (if you remember what Martin did _in Legend of _Luke with _his_ sword talents, all of that would've made him appear like a mere amateur now).

However, even though the Sues were careful about not knicking Martin's flesh with their swords, they were a little less careful about knicking his clothes.

_"Aack!"_ yelped Martin as another huge piece was cut off from his tunic.

The warriormouse desperately tried to hold his tunic together, but a Sue-sword was always whipping out and slicing off another part of his sleeve or a part of his back or -

-oh dear, there goes the front of his tunic.

Holding the scraps of his tunic tightly against his bare chest, Martin recalled the blissful days of being in the book and being a Nelvana cartoon, where all the animals were hermaphrodites and wore clothes only to reflect their personalities rather than for modesty (and decency), and if one's clothes fell off it wasn't a big deal; but alas, ever since fanfiction came into Martin's life, he had to kiss those blissful, carefree days good-bye.

* * *

Meanwhile, a few feet away, were Gonff and Columbine listening to what the author was telling them about what it was that Columbine could do. 

_"Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?"_ said Columbine, rather impatient.

"What are you being so impatient about?" asked Gonff. "This is the quickest he's upated in a _loooong_ while."

"Shut up," said the author.

"Whatever," said Columbine. "Now tell us what it is that I can do!"

"I'll _tell_ you," the author said. _"Whisper whisper whisper whisper-"_

"You not telling me!" Columbine objected. "You're just saying '_whisper whisper whisper'_ all over again!"

_"Nuuuuuuuuuuu,"_ said the author. "I was saying 'whisper whisper whisper _whisper'_, you just said 'whisper whisper whisper'."

"Does really matter if _I _said 'whisper whisper whisper' while _you_ just said 'whisper whisper whisper whisper'?"

"Well, when quoting someone or something," the author said in a lecture-like tone. "You must quote word for word, so that-"

"That's only for copywright!" cried Columbine. "And besides, Mr. Author, aren't we getting a little off track here?"

"Yes, we are."

Gonff, in the meanwhile, had been just standing there with his mouth hanging slightly open.

Columbine turned and looked at her husband.

"What are you looking all '0.0' for?" she asked, her brow furrowing.

Gonff blinked. "'0.0'?"

Columbine sighed. "'0.0' is a smiley thing for when a person's eyes and mouth go wide," she explained in the same tone how one might explain to a dibbun how one and one make two. "Anyway," she continued in a normal voice. "What is it that I can do to get rid of those Sues?!"

"Well, here's what yah gotta do. . . ."

* * *

And after the author told Columbine what she could do (I _did_ tell her, by the way- 

"No you didn't!" objected Columbine.

The author gave a _very_ frustrated scowling sigh. "Look, do you want to write this fic or not?! It's really hard when you're making it up as you go along!"

Columbine shrugged. "Hey, I'll write the fic for yah if its too hard-"

"Shut up," snapped the author. "I know what I'm doing."

So anyway, Columbine walked over to where the two Sues were fighting, where she was about to do what the author told her what she could do. . . .

* * *

Columbine: Wait a minute, you're ending it NOW?! You hardly wrote anything! You can't just write a bunch of nonsense and then go off with ANOTHER cliffhanger! 

Kel: Ah-heeeeeeeh, yes I can.

Columbine: (shakes head) Ohhhh, the reviewers are going to HATE you. . . .

Kel: But they'll still want more, won't they, hmmmm?

Columbine: Well, we'll have to wait for what the reviewers say then, won't we? (grabs a flame-proof, dagger-proof, poison-proof, everything-proof shield)


	4. The Maidens' Stories

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall in any way, shape, or form. Nor do I own Martin, Gonff, Columbine, or any other canon character for that matter. I do, unfortunately, own Polly and Mareah. (sigh)

* * *

Columbine stopped within a few paces of the two dueling Sues, taking in the scene before her: 

Mareah and Polly were still leaping about, swinging their ridiculously large swords at one another, somehow always able to block or dodge the other's blade. It was a rather interesting spectacle to watch, it looked as though they were almost dancing. Almost, except there was the occasional bloodcurdling war cry.

_"Flowerjeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewel!"_ shouted Polly, saying the name of her tribe, twirling her flaming blade like a baton.

_"Wilkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"_ screamed Mareah, saying the name of her dead father, swinging her lightning blade like a baton.

_"Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!"_ roared Martin, who was still in the middle of it all, his tunic being cut to pieces by the Sue-blades whirling about dangerously close to his body.

"It's a good thing the author didn't wait too long to update," commented Columbine.

"Well, get on with it!" snapped the author, who had a very good idea of how painful writing this fic was going to be.

"Okay, okay," said Columbine. She turned towards the Sues. . . .

Took a deep breath. . . .

I mean a _real_ deep breath. . . .

A _really_ real deep breath. . . .

A really _really_ really deep-

"OKAY!" roared Columbine. She turned to the Sues and roared, "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

That got the Sues' attention.

Both mousemaids froze, each of their beautiful golden silvery jewel-encrusted blades locked with each, both of their stunning gazes fixing upon Columbine.

Martin was laying on the ground beneath the crossed swords, clutching the remains of his tunic.

Columbine put both her paws on her hips and looked disapprovingly at the two.

"Now what's all this about?" she demanded in a motherly-sort-of-voice.

"She's trying to steal my one true love!" cried both mousemaids, pointing at the other.

They turned and glared at eachother. "He's NOT _your_ true love, he's MY true love!"

"No he's not! He's mine!" they said in unison again.

Columbine scowled and dropped her head into her paw.

The Sues continued with their odd argument.

"No he's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! He's mine!"

"QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!" roared Columbine.

The Sues once again turned their attention to Columbine.

"That's better. Now then, why don't we all just calm down, put the swords down, and settle this with _words,_ alright?"

The Sues nodded; in their book, Columbine was supposed to be their best friend that would stay up late at night with them and do eachothers' hair- er, headfur, and talk about things like boys and stuff (thank goodness Columbine didn't realize that, otherwise she'd be running away as fast as she could in the opposite direction), so therefore a good creature to listen to.

Somehow the two small, slender mousemaids managed to sheath their swords on their backs (only in a random humor fanfiction could a thing like this be possible), and sat down on either side of Martin, each of them taking a hold of his heavily muscled arms.

Martin groaned; he was _not_ enjoying this fanfic.

Gonff sat down next to Columbine; he had been behaving rather OOC in this fic. He hadn't been bright and charming and lovable like always.

Columbine brushed a little at her skirt, folded her paws in her lap, and looked at Polly and Mareah, both of whom were nuzzling Martin's shoulders and running their paws up and down his chestfur and snarling at one another.

"Now then," the pretty mousewife said. "Why don't you both tell us what you're doing here?"

Both Sues began to speak at once, but then got into _another_ arguement of who should go first, until Columbine intervined again.

"You," she said, pointing at Mareah. "You go first."

"Thank you, Columbine," Mareah said, giving Polly a smug look. Polly scowled. "Ahem, anyway, I am Mareah Sucrose, daughter of Wilkar the Warrior. He was the greatest warrior of all time, and my mother, Roselily, was the most beautiful mousemaid of all time, and-"

"Eh, dear," Columbine said, holding up her paw. "Do you think you could give us the _short_ version?"

Mareah blinked. "The _short_ version? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by that."

Columbine sighed and dropped her head into her paw. "This is gonna be harder than I thought," she muttered. Lifting her head, she said, "Mr. Author, why don't _you_ tell us their stories?"

Both Mareah and Polly gasped, completely and utterly scandalized that they wouldn't be able to pour out their hearts of gold in the tales of their cold, dark, tragic pasts, especially when their true love Martin the warrior was present!

"Sure, I can do that," the author said, deciding to be helpful for once.

"But- but-" sputtered the Sues, but the author's text spoke right over them.

Mareah is the daughter of some made-up warrior who was slain by the twin-brother of Badrang the Tyrant. The twin-brother, whose name is Drakar Vasken, enslaved Mareah and forced her to become an oar slave, and he's gone around, being the scourge of the sea, and now he's come ashore to invade Redwall Abbey, even though the abbey is young and very few beasts have heard of it and the abbey hasn't become a legend yet and therefore no rumors of treasures could've been brought to Drakar's ears yet, and he sent Mareah into the abbey to be a spy, but ever since Mareah set eyes on Martin, she knew that Redwall was where she was supposed to be, and now she is trying to warn Martin of the invasion.

Mareah had gone into shock that she couldn't tell her story in her own poetic words.

As for Polly, began the author's text (Polly gasped and tried to get a few words of her own in, but the author's text drowned her out), she is the member of a warrior's clan called 'The Flowerjewel Clan' where it consists entirely of females of great strength and skill and beauty, and Polly is the leader of them, due to the fact that she's the best fighter out of all of them, and the fact that she is a seer and has magic healing ablilities, and her prophetic dreams have told her about Martin, how he's grieving for Rose, and she came here to heal his wounds because she knew that she and him are soul mates, and also to prepare the abbey from an invasion of an army of vermin, who are being led by Badrang's twin-brother, Vayran Dragontooth.

"Wait a minute," said Gonff. "How can Badrang have _two_ twin-brothers?"

"I suppose he's a triplet," said the author.

"He can't be a triplet!" snapped Polly, jumping up (though she didn't let go of Martin's arm). "There's only supposed to be _one_ Badrang's brother, and that's the one in _my_ story!"

"Oh no he's not!" roared Mareah, also jumping, still gripping Martin's arm. "_My_ Badrag's brother is the real Badrang's brother!"

"No he's not!" snarled Polly.

"Yes he _is!"_

"No he's not!"

"Yes he is!"

Gonff sighed. "Here we go again. . . ."

The author decided now was a reasonably good time to end the chapter because his time on the computer was limited.


	5. The Villians

**A/N:** They're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own Polly, Mareah, Vayran, and Drakar. Blah.

* * *

The sun beat down on the gorgeous head of Vayran Dragontooth, Badrang's twin-brother. He was a large, handsome, brute of a stoat, with sleek smooth soft dark fur of the purest inky black like a cloudless, moonless, starless midnight sky, and glittering eyes of the reddest red anybeast could ever imagine. He wore a dark reddish-purple cape with a golden shoulder clasp with the underside a vivid blood-red, almost as red as his eyes. His broad-shouldered, narrow-waisted form was clad in a silk tunic of pale soft dark silvery-gray, a gold-encrusted belt pulled taut around his small waist with a ruby buckle, and gold bracelets were on his wrists and ankles. The great big stoat wielded a great, ten-foot golden sword with several jagged spikes of black iron and black onyx and silver streaks and ebony blood channels.

A very wondrous sight was he, and he was leading his horde right towards Redwall Abbey. . . .

. . . . only to come face-to-face with another horde led by a stoat that looked just like him.

Well, _almost_ like him.

The other stoat had the same height, build, features, and hair-length (and hair-texture) as him, only he had different colorings and wore different clothes and had a different weapon: his fur was a dazzlingly pure winter-snowy-white that would have put the body of a unicorn to shame, and brightly shining eyes of an alarming shade of royal-purple with molten-gold moon-crescents down the center of them. Swathed across his wide shoulders in numerous graceful folds was a luxurious cloak of the softest lavender-lilac with a magnificent intricate gold clasp with flashing amethysts and other purple gems. He wore a belt that was much like his clasp - exquisite and gold, with violet jewels - that girt his pale whitish-gray tunic, and gold-and-amethyst bracelets on his thick arms. The astonishing stoat wielded an iron mace-and-chain with a thick golden handle with an embroidered violet cloth hanging from it.

Each stoat stared at one another. Both could see the resemblance between them, but neither was certain whether or not they liked it.

As for the hordes that each stoat led, they just simply stood and stared, rather blank looks on their faces. It would be somewhat interesting to note that all of the vermin looked exactly alike (aside from the obvious fact that they were all different species), and not one of them would look different from the others until they were given a good part in the story, or the author simply decided to randomly describe one of them simply because he wanted some filler stuff.

"Who are you?" Vayran Dragontooth demanded. "And why do you look like me so much?"

The other swelled out his massive chest and announced, "I am Drakar Vasken, twin-brother of Badrang the Tyrant!"

Vayran's blood-red eye twitched. "Hold on there, bub! _I'm_ Badrang's twin-brother, Vayran Dragontooth!"

"You are _not,"_ Drakar said, folding his arms and wrinkling his handsome face at the other.

"Yes I _am!"_ snarled Vayran, showing off two rows of perfectly even snow-white pearly teeth.

"No you are not!" shot back Drakar, also snarling to reveal his own set of perfectly even snowy-white pearly teeth.

"Yes I am!" shouted Vayran.

"No you so are not!" snapped Drakar, putting his paws on his hips.

"Yes I so am!" growled Vayran, also putting his paws on his hips.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

* * *

Meanwhile, while this was going on, back at Redwall Abbey, the two lovely mousemaids Polly and Mareah were continuing in _their_ argument (which just so happened to be about the same thing as the two stoats were arguing about, how convenient is that?).

"Your Badrang's brother is NOT the real Badrang's brother! MINE is!" shouted Polly.

"No he's not! MINE is!" shrieked Mareah.

"Noooo! MINE is!" screamed Polly.

"No mine is!"

"No mine is!"

"No mine is!"

"No mine is!"

All this time Martin, Gonff, and Columbine were all groaning and shaking their heads: Columbine was picking at random grass blades and making a pile in her lap; Gonff had taken out his reed flute and began playing a bit of a tune (it was actually the exact same tune that is played on the Redwall TV show); and Martin still had each of his arms held tightly by each Sue. He was beginning to lose a bit of the feeling in them, plus he didn't quite enjoy the fact that most of his tunic was now in shreds on the ground, leaving him with only a loincloth to wear.

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

* * *

During this time, both stoats were also still arguing over which was really Badrang's twin-brother.

"No, I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I AM!"

"No I am!"

Finally one of the hordebeasts from Drakar's horde (who was going to get a different appearance from his fellow hordebeasts because now he was going to stand out from them), a handsome male rat with ebony fur and dark green eyes, wearing a purple tunic embroidered with black velvet and girded with pearls, stood forward and said, "Y'know, chief, you _both_ could be Badrang's brother."

Both stoats stopped and stared at the rat.

Then they looked at each other.

Then they looked at the rat, and then back at each other.

A moment of silence.

Then:

_"BROTHER!!"_

Each stoat lunged forward and heartily embraced his long-lost brother while the hordebeasts clapped like robots, except for the rat that had just spoken, he clapped in a more natural way, simply because he had spoken out and made himself more noticeable then his fellows.

* * *

Back at the abbey:

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

"Mine is!"

_"Mine is!"_

"No mine is!"

Finally Columbine decided she had enough.

She stood up and roared, _**"QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"**_

Both Sues stopped and looked at the mousewife.

Columbine heaved a rough sigh. "Now then," she murmured, narrowing her eyes dangerously, actually making the Sues cringe in slight fear, "we are going to discuss this all calmly, rationally . . . and _quietly_, okaaaaaay?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," both Sues said, sitting back down, still holding onto Martin's burly arms.

Gonff put aside his flute and watched his best mate, shaking his head. If ever Gonff ever envied Martin because of his greater popularity, he no longer did. Ah, the wonderful life of a sidekick, where nobeast (particularly Sues and Suethers) ever paid any attention to you!

Just then a loud knock came from the abbey gates.

**BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!**

Polly and Mareah gave dainty, feminine gasps. "It's him!" they both cried, clutching at Martin's arms even harder and placing their free paws against his chest as they dramatically huddled closer to their dearest darling soul-mate.

Before anybeast could say a word, both Sues suddenly jumped up and pulled Martin up to the ramparts in a flash, and were soon looking over the walls at the gigantically massive vermin horde that flocked about the front side of the abbey.

Both Polly and Mareah were somewhat taken aback at the size of the horde, for it was much bigger than each of them remembered, but then they saw the two stoats at the front and realized that half of the horde came from the other Sue's storyline.

_Hmph!_ each Sue thought. _Just leave it to her to make an even bigger mess of things!_

Martin was not at all comfortable at being within firing range of a horde this big, especially when he was weaponless, clad in only a loincloth, with two mousemaids pinning both his arms at his sides.

Below, each stoat stood forward and began to theatrically proclaim themselves when they stopped and argued over who should get to go first.

"No I should get to go first!"

"No I should!"

"I should!"

"I should!"

_"I should!"_

"No I should!"

By this time Columbine and Gonff came jogging up, huffing and puffing at trying to follow the tremendous speed of the Sues.

"I should!"

"I should!"

"I should!"

"I should!"

"No I should!"

_**"QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT!!"**_

All activity ceased and all eyes went straight to Columbine (do I really need to say that it was her that shouted?).

"Look," Columbine said, leaning an elbow on ledge as she peered down at the two stoats. "I don't think you guys need to tell us who you are. We already know."

The two stoats blinked and gave small gasps. "You already _know?!"_

Columbine looked sideways at Gonff, who shrugged, then back down at Drakar Vasken and Vayran Dragontooth. "Yeah," she said, furrowing her brow.

Both stoats looked at each other for a moment, before looking back up and saying in unison, "Well, it doesn't matter. We are both very powerful warlords who will conquer your abbey whether you like it or not. You have no choice but to surrender now."

"No we shall not!" cried both Polly and Mareah, also in unison. "You shall never breach these walls!"

"Mareah!" cried Drakar Vasken, his purple eyes becoming a violent shade of fuchsia with anger. "You little traitor!"

"And you!" cried Vayran Dragontooth, his own crimson eyes widening with fear as he looked up at Polly, taking an involuntary step back. "You're that mouse from my dream! You are the one whom the prophecies spoke of, you are the one said to finally defeat me!"

"That I am!" Polly said proudly, smirking at Mareah, who hadn't gotten as dynamic a reaction from her warlord. Mareah snarled at her. "And this I say to you -"

"And this I say to you, Drakar Vasken!" cried Mareah, not to be outdone again.

Both Sues continued on in unison:

"That you shall _never ever __**ever**__ again _bring injustice and cruelty and pain and hurt to those around you! I," here they both said their names ", hereby proclaim on the grave of my brave mother and handsome father, on the tombs of all the creatures you have brutally murdered, on all that is good and pure in this world, will slay you and bring an end to the reign of terror you have brought on in this beautiful lovely world!"

Not even halfway through Columbine and Gonff covered their ears so they didn't have to listen anymore. Poor Martin, however, on a count of his restrained arms, had to listen to the Sues "beautiful speech of righteousness and purity and feminine strength."

Both stoats actually staggered from the mousemaids' words, though whether it was from utter disgust or because their black hearts couldn't stand up against the vast purity of their words, it was hard to say. However, both Drakar and Vayran straightened up defiantly and proclaimed death on all in the abbey, that they would return within three days time to take the abbey as their own.

(And the reason why the author skipped over that part was because he was too exhausted from having to come up with the speech for Polly and Mareah to come up with one for Drakar and Vayran.)

"Why would they wait three days when they could just attack us now?" Columbine wondered as soon as the horde was out of sight.

"Who cares?" Gonff said (who had strangely been ignored and underdeveloped quite a bit in this fic). "At least this gives us enough time to prepare ourselves for war."

(The author would like to take the time to pause and explain to the reader that all the other abbeybeasts are inside the abbey building, hiding from the Sues and waiting for normality to settle back in while Martin, Gonff, and Columbine handled things - it had originally been Gonff and Columbine's idea to that in the first place but now they were beginning to have second thoughts.)

"WE MUST GO TO SALAMANDASTRON!" shouted both Polly and Mareah, each right into each of Martin's ears.

"AUGH!" screamed Martin, straining to rise his paws to his ears, but alas both Sues kept his arms pinned to his sides.

_"What?!"_ squawked Columbine, who had jumped about five feet into the air (Gonff, due to his being heavier than his darling wife, had only jumped two feet). "What do yah mean Sala-"

"It's the only way to get reinforcements!" both Sues cried excitedly. "We can journey to Salamandastron, have a few sidequests here and there, have a jumble of romance scenes-" here each Sue looked soppily up at Martin, who grimaced "-then meet with the handsome young Badger Lord and his whole army of handsome young male hares, only one of the hares turns out to be a beautiful (but not so beautiful as me) female hare in disguise trying to prove that she too can be a warrior and go to war and fight skillfully, even more skillfully than any male, and then we journey back here and save the abbey from the invasion and then-"

Just then there was a loud, icky, disturbing sound of a head exploding.

It was Gonff whose head exploded: there were so many unbelievable plot-holes in that intended storyline that he just couldn't take it anymore.

_"AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!"_ screamed Columbine, waving her arms around. _"OH MY GOSH! GONFF! GONFF!"_

"What?"

All eyes snapped around to see –

– Gonff. Alive and well, with his non-exploded head on.

Martin stared, then looked back at where Gonff had previously stood, only to see that the headless body had now disappeared.

Columbine gave a sobbing gasp and rushed forward to her husband.

Gonff grinned and held his arms open, and that was a good thing for Columbine, because it gave her plenty of room to slam her fists into her husband's flabby paunch.

_"Oof!"_ said Gonff, crumbling to the ground. "Wha . . . wha . . . what was that for?!"

"You _JERK!" _SCREAMED COLUMBINE, GOING INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE (AND RIGHTLY SO). "HOW COULD YOU _DO_ SUCH A THING LIKE THAT?! YOU SCARED US ALL TO DEATH AND YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART-ATTACK, YOU . . . YOU . . . AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!"

Columbine continued on like this for a few more moments, while Martin, Polly, and Mareah looked on with "o.0" expressions.

"I COOK FOR YOU!" COLUMBINE ROARED. "I _CLEAN_ FOR YOU! I LAUGH AT ALL YOUR STUPID LITTLE ANTICS - well, actually, all your antics are genuinely cute, so I don't really have to fake laughing at them, BUT EVEN SO!"

While the mousewife raged on, Mareah and Polly-

"Hey!" objected Polly. "You've always put MY name FIRST! What's the big idea?!"

"Maybe he's just coming to his senses is all!" Mareah sniffed.

"Shut up," said the author. "Both of you."

Anyway, both Sues glanced at each other before lifting Martin off of his footpaws and carrying him out the front gates to head for Salamandastron.

"Hey-mmrrf!" said Martin, trying to call to his friends for help, but each Sue placed her free paw over his mouth.

"Ssshhh!" they hissed. "If we don't leave now we'll be able never go!"

And with that, Martin the Warrior was carried out of his beloved Abbey, without his sword, without any provisions, wearing only a loincloth, both his arms pinned to his sides by two slender beautiful mousemaids who were actually lifting him off of his footpaws with just one paw while their other paws were placed over his mouth, and into Mossflower Woods on an intended Mary-Sue-Sidequest.

Could things get any worse?

THEY SURE CAN!


	6. The Quest

**A/N:I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

Now when we last left off, Martin was kidnapped from the abbey by a couple of fanatic-fangirl-(no pun intended)-sues, and Columbine had gone into ANGRY CAPS MODE because of some prank Gonff had pulled on all of them.

"HOW COULD YOU _DO_ A THING LIKE THAT?! SCREAMED COLUMBINE. "YOU MADE ME THINK THAT YOU WERE _DEAD! _GONFF, DEATH IS _NOT_ FUNNY! IT'S MEAN AND NASTY AND HORRIBLE, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!"

All this time poor Gonff had been cringing under the rage of his dearly beloved wife. He thought it was very unfair to be wholly accused of the prank, when it had been partially the author's idea in the first place.

"IT'S ALL RIGHT TO TEASE YOUR FRIENDS AND BASH YOUR SUES, BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, GONFF, YOU MADE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE!!"

About this time the doors to the abbey creaked open for the creatures inside to peep out.

"THAT WAS _NOT _FUNNY!" SCREECHED COLUMBINE. "PRETENDING TO STEAL SOMEBEAST'S WHISKERS OR PINCHING PIES OFF OF WINDOW SILLS IS FUNNY - well, the whisker thing is funny, but I don't really like the pie-pinching thing - BUT PRETENDING THAT YOUR HEAD EXPLODED _IS _NOT FUNNY!"

Right about here rescue came for Gonff in the form of Abbess Germaine.

"Columbine! What's all this about?!" the ancient mouse exclaimed, who, despite her failing hearing, had heard the mousewife's tirade even from inside the thick walls of the abbey building.

Columbine whirled on the abbess and all the creatures that stood behind her - and even though the little mouse was outnumbered, her fierce glare made almost all of them cringe.

"Gonff just pulled the _nastiest_ prank!" Columbine proclaimed, making her husband's ears droop. "He pretended that his head exploded, and I-"

"Cool!" shouted Gonflet. "Hey Daddy, can you teach me that?"

"You'll do no such thing!" Columbine shouted. "I've had enough exploding heads today, thank you very much!"

"Wait," said Germaine, looking around. "Did Gonff use that prank to scare off the Sue?"

_"No,"_Columbine said, annoyed. "He did it because each of them had such cliched story-lines with an impossibly large amount of plot-holes; why would he do it to scare them away?"

"Well, I don't - wait a minute," Germaine said, suddenly narrowing her eyes. "What do you mean 'each of them'? When we all went inside the abbey there was only _one_ Sue."

"Oh, uh," Columbine said, a nervous smile beginning to form on her face. "Another Sue came along."

"WHAT?!" cried the whole crowd of abbeybeasts. "_ANOTHER_ SUE?! HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?!"

Gonff thought it was kinda funny to hear so many creatures say such a sentence at the same time.

"Eh, well," Columbine started hesitatingly. "Each Sue has a giant army of vermin chasing them . . . and each of those hordes have joined forces . . . and they plan on attacking Redwall in three days."

The mob of abbeybeasts stared at Columbine with eyes wide as saucers. Then they all started screaming their heads off.

**"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"**

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"

All the screaming stopped and all eyes turned to Abbess Germaine, who was the one who shouted this time.

The ancient little mouse's sharp eyes were darting all over the place, and she said to Columbine in a low, dangerous voice, "Where's Martin?"

Gonff and Columbine turned to where Martin and the Sues had previously stood --

-- only to see an empty spot of ground.

_Uh oh._

A long moment of strained, anxious silence.

"Ah heh," said Columbine. She looked pleadingly at Gonff, but the mousethief only folded his arms over his paunch and pointed his chin at her, half-closing his eyes and arching his brow.

Columbine almost moaned but caught herself in time, then turned to Germaine with a wide (too wide), toothy smile.

"It seems as though. . . ." the mousewife paused, gathering up all of her strength, "the Sues have taken Martin on a quest for Salamandastron."

**_"WHAT?!" ROARED GERMAINE BEFORE ANY OF THE OTHER BEASTS COULD START SCREAMING AGAIN._**

And it was just because the abbess went into ANGRY CAPS that none of the abbeybeasts thought to start screaming again; now they were all just concerned with staring goggle-eyed at the tiny, frail, ancient little mouse that was somehow able to shout at a range that put Columbine to shame.

"Well," the quivering Columbine said, speaking very fast. "The Sues knew about the two hordes joining forces and so they said they needed to go to Salamandastron to get the Badger Lord and his army of hares-"

**_"WHAT?!" SCREECHED GERMAINE DISBELIEVINGLY. "WE ALL KNOW THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A BADGER LORD THERE, AND WE KNOW THERE WON'T BE UNTIL WE'RE ALL DEAD EXCEPT BELLA, AND WE ALL KNOW THAT ONLY A PAWFUL OF HARES RESIDE THERE NOW, THERE ISN'T A GREAT BIG ARMY THERE, HOW COULD-"_**

"Now, now, Germaine," Bella said, laying a big paw on the old mouse's skinny shoulder. "You mustn't overexcite yourself-"

_**"HOW CAN I NOT?!" SHRIEKED GERMAINE. "OUR ABBEY IS UNDER ATTACK BY TWO GIANT HORDES AND OUR ABBEY CHAMPION HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED ON A MEANINGLESS SUE-JOURNEY**_!"

"Well, when you put it like that," Bella conceded, taking her paw away.

**_"COLUMBINE, YOU IDIOT!" THUNDERED GERMAINE. "HOW COULD YOU LET SUCH A THING LIKE THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THE FIRST SUE CAME BY, YOU INSISTED THAT YOU AND GONFF COULD HANDLE THINGS, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_**

"Well what do you want me to do?!" Columbine said, some anger rising up out of her fear. She was not happy at being called an 'idiot'.

**_"HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO!"_**

And with that, the ancient minuscule mouse marched right over to Columbine, turned her around and then kicked her straight up into the air over the walls.

**_"GO AND FIND MARTIN AND BRING HIM BACK!" THE ABBESS ROARED AFTER HER. THEN, AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT, SHE ADDED, "AND KILL THOSE SUES TOO WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!"_**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" was Columbine's reply as she went flying through the air.

"Er, Abbess," Gonff said hesitatingly. "Do you really think Columbine'll be safe out there in the woods all alone?"

When Germaine turned to him, the mousethief almost dove for cover.

However, when she spoke, the old mouse spoke normally. "You're absolutely right, Gonff."

Then she walked right over to him and kicked him too over the abbey walls.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed Columbine as she went sailing through the air, in an arch fashion, going up, up, up, and then slowly down, down, down.

The emerald tree-leaves of Mossflower Woods came rushing up to her, and soon-

"Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah!" said Columbine as she fell past the scratchy tree-branches.

"Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah! Dah! Ooo! Eee! Ah!"

_WHAM!_

The mousewife finally came to a stop, landing on the forest-floor flat as a pancake.

Just as soon as Columbine pulled herself up and reflated herself, Gonff came crashing down and landed right on top of her.

_"OOF!"_

"Arrrggg," Columbine groaned; so far she was _not_ enjoying this fanfic.

"Oh, sorry, honey," Gonff exclaimed as he jumped up and gallantly helped his lovely wife up.

"Uggghhh," was the reply, but Gonff paid no mind - he could understand that his pretty wife was upset.

"Welp!" the mousethief said in a cheery fashion, clapping his paws together. "We better go on and find Martin and kill the Sues before the hordes start attacking Redwall and all!"

"Gonff," said Columbine, furrowing her brow. "We don't know which direction they went."

"Sure we do," Gonff replied, grinning. "Salamandastron is their destination, and that's east-"

"Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," said Columbine. "Salmandastron is_ west._ Honestly, Gonff, you've been there before, haven't you?"

Gonff shrugged and continued, "-so _west_ is the way we go! Plus, I think we'll be able to follow the trail of sparklypoo on the way, too."

Columbine shook her head at the irrepressible Gonff, but she began to smile in spite of herself. The mousethief always had a way of making her laugh.

"Alrighty, let's go!" Columbine said, nearly matching Gonff's cheefulness, and with that, the two mice set off arm-in-arm on a quest to rescue Martin, Redwall, and all of Mossflower from the dreaded Mary-Sues.

* * *

Columbine: Though I wish we were given provisions before we left the abbey, you know.

Gonff: That's alright, darlin', this is _fanfiction,_ the author won't let us starve out there, and besides, usually provisions always get lost as soon as you get them!

Kel: So true. Well, there's another chapter for you all, I hope you liked it! Well, bye! God bless!

And I would also like to say **_HAPPY BIRTHDAY_** to Warrior4! **_HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN!! ;)_**


	7. The Confessional Scene

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

Now when we last left off, Martin was kidnapped from the abbey by a couple of fanatic-fangirl-(no pun intended)-sues, and Columbine and Gonff had been sent by Abbess Germaine to retrieve him.

In the last chapter, there were no, as storiewriter pointed out, Sues to make fun of, so that is why we are now following the story-line of Martin and his fangirl-Sues.

Martin was still being held up by his arms, which were still pinned to his sides, by two lovely little mousemaids, both of whom had their paws covering his mouth as they made their way through Mossflower towards Salamandastron.

Martin, of course, was very upset about the whole situation, and wanted nothing more than to kill each of these Sues, but, well, in his current position, that was impossible. (They even had their tails wrapped around his ankles as well!)

Finally they came to a stop beneath a particularly nice (and perfect for a romance scene) willow tree, Martin being sat firmly down in between the two Sues, one of them (Mareah) saying, "Here, let's rest here for awhile."

"Hey wait a minute!" shouted Polly. "That's MY line!"

"No it isn't!" Mareah retorted.

"Yes it is!"

"No its not!"

"Yes it IS!"

"No its NOT!"

"Fine!" snapped Polly, a sudden smirk forming about her perfect lips. "If you get THAT line, then _I_ get the line How far do you think until we get to Salamandastron, Martin dear?'!"

_'WHAT?!"_ screamed Mareah. "Hey no! _**I**_ want that line! **_You_** can have the last one!"

"Too late! It's mine! Now then, Martin dear, how--"

"You're saying it wrong!" Mareah snapped. "The 'Martin dear' is supposed to be at the end, just like you had it the first time!"

"Hey! _I_ am PERFECT!" objected Polly. "I can not say a line wrong!"

"Oh yes you can!" argued Mareah. "And besides, you're not nearly as perfect as ME."

"Oh yes I am!" shouted Polly. "I'm even MORE perfect than you!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not! No you're not! _No you're not!"_

"Yes I am! Yes I am! _Yes I am!"_

"Oh, shut _uuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppppppppppp!!"_

That last one came from Martin, who had finally had enough. "And let go of me, will ya?!" The mouse-warrior added; his limbs were really starting to lose their feeling.

To his surprise, the Sues looked at Martin with blazing eyes, and they both suddenly seemed fully focused on him, speaking in unison: "Why are you so bitter, Martin? Why are you this way? Why are you always pushing away people who are trying to help you? Why are you always so secretive? Why are you always so quiet? What is that you're hiding, Martin? What is it? Let it out, Martin, let _everything _out! What is it that you are trying to hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide?!"

At first Martin was _really_ freaked out by the Sues actions, but then he realized they were going into a "confessional scene" of some sort where Martin revealed to them that his bitterness was because of Rose's death that he was trying to hide from everyone. But didn't they _already know_ about Rose? They both certainly talked about her in earlier chapters - oh wait. Scratch that. They're _Sues, _they didn't follow logic.

But suddenly an idea came to the warrior-mouse, and Martin began to look around furtively before leaning into the Sues' faces.

"Alright," he whispered. "I'll tell you. But . . ." he trailed off dramatically, watching as the Sues brought their faces even closer.

"I can only tell one of you."

A moment of silence.

Then each Sue snapped her head in the others' direction and shouted, "Well?! What you waiting for?! Get out of here! He can only tell ME! Oh no he won't! He'll tell ME! No me! No me! No me! No me! No me! No ME!"

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best of ideas, but then again, if Martin was lucky enough, the Sues would start sword-fighting and then Martin could run away - or _crawl_ away; he had lost a lot of feeling in his arms and legs, and even his tail.

But before the Sues could argue any longer, there was a brief rustling in the bushes, and suddenly they were surrounded by a whole crowd of vermin.

"Haharr!" shouted the leader, a rat, who looked every inch of the stereotypical evil vermin. "Well isn't this luvverly!? Two purty young mousey-maids fightin' over their boyfriend!" (Of course, the word 'boyfriend' didn't exist in Redwall, but of course the rat's speech was obviously affected by the Sues)

As soon as the words left the rat's mouth, both Polly and Mareah leaped to their feet (therefore releasing Martin, who fell limply to the ground), pulling out their great magnificent twelve-foot golden-and-jeweled swords.

"Run, Martin!" they screamed. "Run for your life! I'll take care of them!" (Now while both Sues said this, they actually meant for Martin to run away for a moment, but then to have "second thoughts" and come back to help only to witness what great swordmaidens they were - as if he already hadn't been witness to that!)

Each Sue was annoyed at the other for again stealing her lines, but this wasn't a time to argue! They had to save Martin from the evil vermin and show off how cool they could fight and how beautiful and glamorous they looked doing it!

And that's just what they did, rushing the vermin and knocking them all down in really cool moves that would've put all the action-movies to complete and utter shame.

As for Martin, he lay on the ground, unable to move at all, as his limbs had lost all their feeling, except for that weird tingling (and very painful) feeling when one's leg/arm/foot falls asleep.

The warrior-mouse was very annoyed and wanted nothing more than to get out of here as quickly as possible to escape the blasted Sues. . . .!

As though in answer to his sort-of-prayer, a cloth appeared in front of Martin's face and seemingly tied itself around his muzzle. Then he was lifted up into the air and slung over somebeast's shoulder, and that somebeast turned around to give Martin a full-view of Mareah and Polly fighting their great big golden hearts out to save his life, but the scene became smaller and smaller as the warrior-mouse was carried off into the forest. . . .

* * *

Columbine: Wait. You mean Martin was kidnapped AGAIN?!

Kel: Yep.

Columbine: Ummm . . . am I going to know about that in the next chapter? So I can find him quicker and get this fic finished sooner?

Kel: Nope.

Columbine: WHAT?! Why you little-! Ooooooo!

Gonff: Now, now, Columbine, me little flower-beauty. It'll be over before you know it.

Columbine: Yeah right.

Kel: Well ANYway, I hope you reviewers enjoyed this chapter, and I'll try to have the next chapter up ASAP! Okay, bye! God bless!


	8. Beautiful Descriptions & Raw Fish

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

"Now what I don't get," Columbine said as she and her chubby husband Gonff skipped through Mossflower woods, "is how Abbess Germaine was able to kick you as far as she kicked _me._ How is that possible?"

Gonff stared at his wife as though she'd gone mad.

"Have you gone mad?!" he cried. "This is a _random humor fic!_ Of COURSE things like that are gonna happen!"

"Yes," the author purred. "Plus I just couldn't resist Gonff falling on top of Columbine and squishing her into a pancake. Heeheehee!"

"Hmph!" said Columbine, but promptly ignored the author and continued skipping along with her husband.

* * *

"Don't worry Martin! I saved you!"

"WHAT?! No you didn't! **_I_** did! **_I_** did most of the work!"

"Oh no you didn't! **_I_** did!"

"Hey wait a minute, who's line is which?!"

". . . . . . . . . . . . . _What?!"_

"What I mean is," said Mareah. "Oh wait, never mind! Now I know which one of us is talking!"

Polly stared at the other Sue with an open mouth. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . _What?!" _

"The first five lines," Mareah explained. "It didn't say which one of us was saying which line, so I was a bit confused, plus I wanted to know which one of us said 'I saved you Martin' first. Hm," she added, looking back over the text. "It looks as though you said it first. That's odd. I could've sworn it was _me_ that said it."

"Well it wasn't!" snapped Polly (although she too had thought it was Mareah who had said, "Don't worry Martin! I saved you!" But oh well, it didn't matter).

"Well _anyway,"_ said Mareah, rolling her perfect beautiful gorgeous sapphire blue emerald green aquamarine turquoise gold-flecked forest green sea blue diamond-sparkling eyes, "Why thank you for such lovely descriptions on my eyes, Mr. Author!"

"My pleasure," the author replied smugly. (Mareah didn't know if she should be concerned about the author's smugness, but decided to ignore it)

"Hey!" objected Polly. "Why does _she_ get all the pretty descriptions?! You haven't touched on my gorgeous appearance _once!"_the mousemaid began to weep, her large, oval, perfectly beautiful with a hundred thousand million billion trillion stars purplely-bluish amethyst sapphire with gold and silver flecks like stars just appearing over a dusky violet sunset over a majestic mountain.

"Why THANK you!" chirped Polly, extremely pleased that she got a much better description about her eyes than Mareah. _Plus _Polly had super-smooth, super-soft, sleek gorgeous golden fur more precious than any of the yellow stuff that'd you find in mines, in fact she looked as though she were arrayed in the most beautiful intricate gorgeous stunning gold jewelry in the whole universe.

"Hmph!" said Mareah, whose own fur was also super-smooth, super-soft, sleek and gorgeous, only it was _all_ the shades of deep brown that chocolate could be, making her look really really yummy.

"Why thank you!" chirped Mareah, giving Polly a _very_ smug look.

"Hmph!" said Polly. "Well, ANYway, we better get back to Martin now!"

"Yes, let's!" agreed Mareah.

"Oh Maaaaaaaaartiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. . . ." the two mousemaids cooed, turning away from all the decapitated vermin (all of whom were not at all very bloody, nor very butchered-looking, but all looking somewhat silly, as though they were grade-B actors pretending to be dead), towards Martin--

--except Martin was gone.

**_'WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!111!!11?/1!1111!!1!?/11!!/??"_** screeched the two sues.

They both rounded on each other. "This is all YOUR fault! No your fault! No your fault! No YOUR fault!"

The author sighed heavily. "This is gonna take awhile. . . ."

* * *

When Martin woke up (from having been clubbed over the head somewhere in between Chapter 7 and Chapter 8), he immediately regretted it.

His head was pounding, his limbs were killing him, and his stomach was still growling with hunger. Plus he also felt pretty cold, too, and there was this really weird odor streaming into his nostrils. . . .

"Oh good! Yer awake!"

Martin turned his head in the direction of the speaker: a rat. A male rat with ebony fur and dark green eyes, wearing a purple tunic embroidered with black velvet and girded with pearls.

The warriormouse blinked, and rasped out, "Who are _you?"_

_And please don't be a Stu,_ his mind added.

The rat stood up and, with a flourishing bow, introduced himself, "I am Derean, a Captain in the horde of Drakar Vasken!"

Martin blinked. "'Drakar Vasken'? Why does that sound so familar?"

Derean grinned. "That's because he's one of the stoat warlords that gonna take over Redwall Abbey!"

"WHAT?!" shouted Martin. Now he remembered this rat - back in Chapter 5 he had noted that one of the vermin, a rat, had stood out from the others because his appearance was completely different; the other vermin looked like the stereotypical vermin without any distinction between them.

The rat nodded, still grinning. "Yep! I was sent out to find some captives, and guess what?!"

Derean spoke no more, looking excitedly at Martin, obviously expecting the mouse to say, "What?"

Simply because he was feeling rather impatient right now, Martin obliged. "What?"

"I just captured YOU! The abbey leader! The abbey champion! Now Drakar will make me second-in-command! Isn't that GRRRRRRRRREAT?!" the rat said, doing an impression of Tony the cereal tiger.

Martin stared at the rat, then looked at himself: both of his arms were stretched out, tied to a tree on either side of him, as were his legs. Similar to how he was tied at Marshank when Badrang tried to feed him to the seagulls.

The mousewarrior was stuck for a retort, for the rat had Martin right where he wanted him, and there wasn't any chance of Martin escaping _now._

_Great. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust great._

"Welp, anyway, let's get some food in yah!" Derean said perkily. "Yer stomach's been grumbling, and I can't take it anymore! It's pretty annoyin', y'know?"

Angry as he was, Martin couldn't deny some food right now would be nice--

--that is, until Derean suddenly put a raw dead fish right in Martin's face.

"Hey!" objected the mouse, jerking his head out the way. "What gives?!"

"Its yer breakfast!" the rat replied with that annoying perky smile.

"Aren't you gonna cook it or something?!"

Derean blinked. _"Cook _it? Heck no! It tastes way better raw! That Gollum-dude was really onto something!"

Martin stared, then snarled, "No he wasn't! Fish does NOT taste better raw!"

"Have you ever _had _fish raw before?" Derean replied coolly.

Martin paused. "Well no," he admitted.

"Well you never know till you try!"

The raw fish was shoved at Martin's mouth again.

"AACK! _NO!"_

"Ah, c'mon! I worked so hard to get it!"

"NO!"

"C'mon! Grrr!"

"Graah! Grr! Graaah!"

For a few moments, the two rodents struggled wildly until finally Derean came to his senses (more or less) and grabbed Martin by the top of his head with one paw.

"Haharr! Gotcha!"

"Hrrrrrmmmmpphh!" was all Martin could say as his head was jerked back slightly, causing his mouth to open enough for Derean to shove the fish's head inside. The fish was so sleek and slimy that it slid all the way inside the mouse, causing Martin's cheeks to bulge, then his throat, then his chest, until finally his six-pack balooned out into a keg, and then returned to a six-pack.

"There!" said Derean, letting Martin's head go and stepping back a bit. "Good, eh?"

Martin's cheeks bulged out again.

"Bleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg!"

". . . . . . . . . . . . Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."


	9. Meanwhile

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

The author suddenly realized that he was neglecting a few characters, and so decided to do a few scenes with them:

Meanwhile, back at the abbey, another typical Redwall theme was about to start: in many of the Redwall books, while all the warring and fighting and questing was going on, there is always a pretty young maiden back the abbey trying to solve a riddle or helping the abbey hold off on attacks - not in all the books, mind, but a lot.

Trimp the hedgehog, because Columbine was not available, and also because the author was too lazy to make an OC (which he thinks is a tricky business as this is a Sue Parody), would be taking this role over.

Trimp was walking along, minding her own business, when she noticed Gonflet and Chugger sitting on the floor playing with what looked like pieces of very rectangular paper.

Striding up to them, the pretty hedgehog inquired cheerfully, "Hi, you two. What have you got there?"

"Pokemon cards," replied Gonflet.

". . . . _What?"_

"Pokemon cards," repeated Chugger.

Gonflet looked disbelievingly up at Trimp. "Oh, come _on, _Auntie Spikes, don't tell me you don't know what Pokemon are!"

Trimp looked back and forth between the two Dibbuns, both of them looking back up at her with sarcastic looks.

Gonflet sighed and looked at Chugger. "Was she always like this? I mean on the quest to find Martin's dad?"

Chugger looked very solemn. "You don't know the half of it."

"HEY!" objected Trimp. "Just because I don't know what Pokemon are doesn't mean I can't learn!"

"Learn what?" inquired Gonflet.

"Learn what Pokemon are!" snapped Trimp, feeling impatient.

Gonflet and Chugger shared a look before sputtering and giggling.

"I can!" shouted Trimp. "C'mon, teach me! What are Pokemon?!"

"Alright," sputtered Chugger, his brush shuddering with laughter.

"First off," said Gonflet, standing up and pulling out a Pokemon ball, "you need to know if you can take one of these."

"Huh?" said Trimp, but Gonflet opened up the Poke ball and out came a dozen or so monsters.

**_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" _**screeched Trimp, running as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

Gonflet sighed and shook his head. "Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic."

"You don't know the half of it," Chugger sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gonff and Columbine were still skipping along in Mossflower, arm in arm, both with inanely happy grins on their faces.

Finally, Gonff said (through very gritted teeth), "We've been doing this for _hours_and we haven't gotten anywhere! What gives?!" he added indignately to the author.

"Meh," said the author. "Sorry, I just can't think of what to do with you two right now. But don't worry, I'll come back to you."

"Huh?!" said Gonff. "Hey no wait-!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Martin the Warrior was slung over the shoulder of Derean the rat, Captain of the horde of Drakar Vasken. The mouse's limbs were still asleep, but Derean still saw the necessity of tying the warrior's wrists and ankles together. Plus Martin was gagged (again), but that was more because Derean was afraid his captive might upchuck again.

Martin was by far more miserable than ever. He couldn't recall another time he felt so -- well, no, scratch that. He had felt his worst when Rose had died, but ever since Fanfiction came into his life he saw Rose again, so that wasn't so bad. Plus there were other fics where he had to do worse, so, this time was _one_ of the worst times of his life.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mareah and Polly were still--

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"HEY!" objected Polly, looking back at the text and glaring at the author. "You put Mareah's name before mine again! MY name ALWAYS come FIRST!"

"No it doesn't!" snapped Mareah. "Not those two times! And anyway, it was all your fault for distracting me!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was NOT!"

"Was TOO!"

Eh, you get the point.

* * *

Meanwhile (man, I've been sayin' that a lot in this chapter, maybe that's what I'll call this chapter's title - and I did! :D), Martin began to become aware of verminish noises.

Raising his head, the mousewarrior saw that Derean had finally carried him into the vermin horde that was planning on taking over the abbey.

The horde looked every inch of stereotypical vermin. All the vermin looked exactly the same (minus the fact that they were all different species), and were doing stereotypical vermin things: huddled over boiling pots, carrying large, heavy objects, grunting and growling at one another, or just wandering aimlessly about.

Martin noticed that several of the vermin were looking up from their tasks to stare at him and Derean, but they didn't stare for long, going back to their tasks like robots. Freaky.

Finally Derean came to a place that well within the middle of the horde. He strode up to a pole that was just sticking out the ground, serving no purpose whatsoever. However, it must've been put there for a reason, and Derean showed that reason by tying Martin to it.

"Now you wait here," the rat said in his perky manner as he fastened even more ropes around Martin's body, "and I'll go and get the Chiefs so they can interrogate you."

_Grrrreeeaaatttt, can't wait,_ would've been Martin's sarcastic reply if he hadn't been gagged.

* * *

Derean proudly marched right into the tent of Drakar Vasken and Vayran Dragontooth, ready to announce his conquest of capturing the abbey warrior--

--only to met by a sight that was . . . well, kinda horrifying.

Drakar was sitting propped on a gorgeous gold throne with vivid purple cushions, with four servants each holding a paw and painting his claws the same exact shade of purple that his eyes were, while a beautiful red-and-gold-furred vixen (who had also, like Derean, managed to break away from her stereotypical vermin image) massaged his shoulders.

As for Vayran, he was slouched on his throne, downing his fifth drumstick of some type of bird that the author is too lazy to name, and reaching for a seventh goblet of strong wine. Bits of meat and wine slopped down the warlord's tunic front, and he belched rather impolitely.

_Ugh, _was the first thought that came to Derean's mind, but he wisely kept his opinions to himself.

Drakar, however, wrinkled his nose at his long-lost twin (or is it triplet?) brother. "Really, brother, do you think you could have the decency to at _least_ use a napkin?"

"Ah, sod off," Vayran retorted, reaching for a sixth drumstick (all of which the author had no idea where they came from) and getting another cup of wine. "We got three days till we have to conquer the abbey, that's plenty of time to sit back and relax a bit. By the way," he added, sneering at his brother. "Wot's up wit' you an' yer team of nail-painters?"

Drakar sniffed at his brother regally. "I have an image that I must live up to everyday."

"As what? A plum?"

"Ahem," said Derean.

"A- a _what?!" _sputtered Drakar, trying to sit up, only to be shoved down by the servants, all of whom said, "Please, lord, we're not done."

"Whatchu call me?!" roared Drakar, relenting to his servants. "A _plum?!"_

Vayran gave his brother a look before stating, "Well yeah."

An indignant "Oh!" was all Drakar could say at the moment.

"Ahem," repeated Derean.

"So you think I'm a plum, do you?!" shouted Drakar. "Well _I_ think _you_ . . . . . ."

Vayran waited. Then twitched his head to the side, raising his eyebrows. _"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"_

"Are a cherry!" finished Drakar triumphantly.

"A _cherry?!" _roared Vayran, jumping up, spilling his food and wine.

_"Ahem,"_repeated Derean.

"How dare you call me a cherry?!" demanded Vayran.

"I dare just like you dare, dear _brother," _spat Drakar.

An indignant "Ah!" was just about all Vayran could say - for a moment, that is.

"Well, you're just jealous because mother loved _me_ the most!"

**"No she didn't!"**roared Drakar, jumping up from his own seat, sending claw-paint everywhere. "She didn't love you more! She loved** ME!** She always loved me! _**I**_ was her favorite! I was **EVERYBODY'S** favorite! I was-"

"AHEM!" shouted Derean.

Both warlords whipped their heads in the rat's direction.

"Shut up," the both said, and they threw the poor rat out on his head.

"Oooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww," moaned Derean.

* * *

Meanwhile (yes, I said it again), Martin was progressively getting boreder and boreder-

_Is that even a word?_ wondered Martin.

"It is now," said the author.

But anyway, Martin was tied to a stake, gagged, his limbs asleep, and quite exhausted after vomiting his guts out in the last chapter. Things were looking pretty bleak, until--

--he saw a flash of light.

Turning his head in the direction where the light had come from, Martin saw in the bushes two bright eyes gleaming out at him. In a moment they were gone, so that Martin wasn't sure if he really saw them.

_Probably did, _the warriormouse thought. _It's probably one of the Sues, come here to "rescue" me . . . **again**. . . ._

Suddenly a cloaked figure was standing next to him.

"Don't make a sound! I've come here to help you!"

The voice was undoubtedly feminine, but it wasn't any female voice Martin had ever heard before.

_Who. . . .?_

But the cloaked figure was already cutting at Martin's bonds with a sharp knife. The warriormouse stared at the figure with wide eyes. In broad daylight?! This creature was going to try to free him when everybeast was watching?!

Well, actually, no. None of the vermin just so happened to be looking in his direction, which, of course, was really weird. Martin was a little shocked by this sudden turn of events, but he didn't have much time to ponder this, for as soon as his limbs were free from their bonds he crumbled to the ground.

A soft gasp of concern came from the cloaked figure, who hurriedly picked him up as though he didn't weigh a thing and promptly supported him into the nearby bushes.

As soon as they were past the bushes, Martin saw, much to his astonishment, that the entire horde disappeared, and that they were somewhere far away from it. He wished his arms weren't asleep so he could take the gag off, but the cloaked creature took care of that for him.

"Thanks," was the first thing the warrior said, licking the inside of his mouth, which still had remnants of that horrible raw fish taste. Turning, he looked into the hooded creature's face, only it was too dark within to see.

"Who are you?"

The creature raised her delicate paws and used them to lift her hood, exposing her beautiful face. Her remarkably beautiful face. Her _stunningly _beautiful face. Her amazingly, eye-poppingly, jaw-droppingly, mouth-wateringly, shoulder-saggingly beautiful perfect gorgeous face with clear bright beautiful perfect gorgeous eyes of an ethereal shade of silvery-gray, framed in long, dark, curved, silky, ebony black lashes and perfectly smooth soft downy shiny glossy silky velvety fur of golden-silver-brown.

The mousemaid spoke, her voice like doves flying and swans swimming and nightingales singing and gold-and-silver bells ringing and jewels jingling and stars twinkling.

"I'm your daughter."

* * *

Columbine: WHOAH! I didn't see that coming!

Gonff: Not a mile away. . . .

Kel: Yes, and that's not all. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Columbine: Well . . . what is it?

Kel: (smugly) You're just going to have to wait for the next chapter!

Columbine/Gonff: Hmph!

* * *

So what's going to happen?

Are Mareah and Polly EVER going to stop arguing long enough to try to find Martin?

Are Gonff and Columbine EVER going to get anywere with all that skipping?

Is Derean EVER going to get that promotion he wants?

Are Drakar and Vayran EVER going to get along again?

Is Martin EVER going to regain his sanity after this?

STAY TUNED!

And God bless.

- Kel :)


	10. Something to Scream About

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

"Blah," said Gonff. He was irritated from Chapter 9, where the author simply only had them skipping with stupid grins on their faces, and they were _still_ skipping said skipping and grinning said grins.

"And it does help that I'm listening to a certain song while I'm writing this," the author said with a grin that was creepy and evil and sinister.

Gonff whimpered.

"Well, Mr. Author," interjected Columbine, "we're getting pretty tired. Do you think you could have us _stop_ for awhile? Please?"

"Sure," the author replied.

And with that, the two mice stopped, and immediately sat down with a bump.

"Thank yoooooooou," they said.

After that, the author then kindly gave them a lovely little lunch.

"From where?" asked Gonff.

"From the magic of Fanfiction, _duh,"_ replied the author.

Suddenly, a strange cloaked figure came upon them.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" _screamed Gonff and Columbine.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" _screamed the cloaked figure.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" _screamed Gonff and Columbine again.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" _screamed the cloaked figure again.

Needless to say, they went on in this fashion for quite awhile before the author decided to put a stop to this.

"_SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!_ Stop screaming and get on with the freakin' story, you stupid fictional characters!"

"Okay, okay, fine," grumbled Gonff and Columbine. They turned and stared at the cloaked figure.

Silence.

"Um," said Gonff.

Columbine put her lips to her husband's ear. "Why were we screaming earlier?" she whispered.

"Beats me," shrugged Gonff.

They turned back to the cloaked figure and stared.

The cloaked figure stared right back.

Finally Columbine stood forward. "Who are you?"

The figure lifted her dainty paws to lift her hood, revealing a remarkably beautiful face that seemed to shine with its own light.

"Laterose of Noonvale."

* * *

**_"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"_**

The mousemaid stared at Martin with wide eyes. This was the last thing she had expected her father to say (in fact, he was supposed to stare at her with wide eyes before breaking down in tears and hugging her tightly), but then again, he was probably in denial over the whole thing. Oh well, she was here to heal his heart-wounds, anyway.

"Yes, I am," she murmured softly, putting a tender paw on Martin's shoulder. "I'm your daughter. Rose never told you, but she was carrying your baby when you and her went back to Marshank and after you left she gave birth to me and I've been living in Noonvale with Uncle Brome ever since then, until finally he told me all about you and now I've come to find you and-"

"NO! Nononononono no! NO!"

"Father, _really!"_

* * *

Mea- er, I mean, while that was going on (I said "meanwhile" enough in the last chapter), Derean was picking himself off the ground, grumbling and rubbing his head. He didn't even have a chance to tell them about how he captured the abbey champion! Huh, he'd show them!

Marching through the camp, the irate rat headed back towards where he had tied up Martin, intent on taking the mouse straight to the warlords (as he probably should've done in the first place) and proclaiming his victory-

Derean stopped dead.

The pole held no mousewarrior, only a few severed ropes.

The rat lifted his face to the heavens and proclaimed his loss.

_"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"_

* * *

_"WHAT?!" _shouted Gonff.

"You're who now?" Columbine asked, as though she heard the other mousemaid wrong.

"Laterose of Noonvale," the mousemaid repeated.

Columbine scrunched up her face. Just when she thought things couldn't get any weirder.

"I am on a journey seeking a certain mouse," the maid, _Laterose,_ said. "I have traveled far and wide to find him, escaping from the prison my abusive father held me in because he didn't want me to find my true love again, and I have been looking for ever so long!" She then broke down in tears, her perfectly sculpted frame shaking as she sobbed.

Columbine rolled her eyes. "Oh for cryin' out loud!"

"DON'T MOCK ME!" shouted "Laterose", whipping her head up. (It might be noted that not a single tear could be seen in her eyes, though her eyes had gone from hazel to red) "YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF ALL THE TROUBLES I'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH JUST TO FIND MY ONE AND ONLY TRUE L-"

"Whoa, whoa," said Gonff, holding up his paws. "Now hold on there, missy. What's your, er, _'true love's'_ name?"

Columbine already knew the answer, as it was pretty obvious, which is why she gave Gonff a look as "Laterose" said,

"Martin the Warrior."

Suddenly Gonff gave a gasp - a gasp that sounded like he was genuinely surprised, which made Columbine give him another look.

_"Martin the Warrior?!" _repeated the mousethief, stepping forward a bit. "Why, he's my best mate! We saved Mossflower together!"

_Wha. . . .? _thought Columbine. Why was Gonff acting like this?

"Laterose" gave a small gasp and widened her eyes (which had gone back to their ordinary - well, they weren't very ordinary-looking, being filled with stars and whatnot, but at least they were just a simple hazel). "You know Martin?! Oh, thank goodness! Oh, tell me where he is, that I may finally tell him that I'm not dead and that I still love him!"

Here Gonff lowered his head, as though ashamed. Okay, now Columbine was _really _getting creeped out.

"I am sorry, dear lady," the mousethief murmured.

"Laterose" again gave a dainty gasp. "What? What is it?! Is he alright? Is he hurt?! Is he dying?!"

"No, no, please! It's nothing like that!" Gonff quickly assured her (Columbine was now full out staring at her husband). "It's just that . . . he's been kidnapped."

"KIDNAPPED?!" shrieked "Laterose". "BY WHO?! WHERE ARE THEY, THE MISERABLE LITTLE VERMIN WRETCHES, I'LL TEACH 'EM! I'LL LEARN 'EM! I'LL . . . I'LL . . . WHERE DID THEY TAKE HIM?!"

"To Salamandastron," replied Gonff, who, unlike Columbine, was not very fazed by the Sue's rant.

"Then we must go with all haste!" the RoseLives!Sue cried, and shot off in the mountain's direction (even though she wouldn't know where Salamandastron is), Gonff following her.

"Gonff?! GONFF! HEY WAIT UP!" shouted Columbine, running after them.

* * *

Martin was desperately trying to get some feeling back into his limbs so he could run away from this abomination, but alas, the Martin'sDaughter!Sue took a hold of his arms, thus cutting off the circulation, and pulled him close, murmuring, "It's alright, father, it's alright. I don't blame you for leaving, you did what you had to. I still love you, unlike Grandfather, who hates you so much, but he doesn't have a heart that's so pure and good and golden like mine. . . ."

Now Martin was _really_ wishing he were back at the vermin camp, peacefully tied up, with no Sue telling him that he was her father and telling him the most _disgusting_ stories.

"But its alright, father!" continued the Sue, whose name was Lilyrose Moonflower Petalblossom Springgold. "You don't have to go on blaming yourself for mother's death! She's still alive in our hearts, where she'll always be! And you've still got me, father, I'll make you happy!"

_Ah crap. _Martin would rather be back with Derean right now eating raw fish.

It was almost as though his wish were granted.

And why I say "almost as though" is because Derean came walking through the foliage just then. Of course, Martin had wished had included Lilyrose to be _gone_ (which she wasn't, of course), and not a raw fish was in sight (though that part wasn't _too_ terribly bad).

"Hey!" shouted Derean.

Lilyrose gave a dainty, lady-like gasp and threw herself between Martin and Derean, shouting, "Keep back, rat! Keep back! You'll never take my father away from me! Not again! I've waited far too long for this day only to have it be taken away from another murdering vermin like yourself!"

Derean drew himself up huffily, and replied, "Well _I_ have _also_ waited far too long for this day, only it wasn't to meet my father, it was to get a promotion, and that mouse," he said, pointing at Martin, "is my key to getting it! So hand 'im over!"

"NO!" Lilyrose cried, pulling out her own sword, which was, like Mareah's and Polly's, twelve feet long, golden, covered in jewels and intricate. "Run, father! Run! Save yourself! Then come back for me weeping that you can't let another creature die because of you!"

Martin gave Lilyrose's back a look that said, _Are you kidding me?_

Derean also pulled out a sword, not nearly as long nor as fine as Lilyrose's, but he looked eager enough for a fight. "Look lady," he growled, his normally perky face a fierce snarl, "I've waited much too long for this promotion, _and I'm not going to lose it!"_

_"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_shouted Lilyrose, throwing herself at Derean.

_"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_shouted Derean, throwing himself at Lilyrose.

* * *

_Oh good, _thought Martin. _Maybe they'll kill each other off. Wouldn't that be lovely?_

However, he never got to see the fight, for at that moment two lovely paws came out from behind him, clamped over his mouth and pulled him back into the bushes.

Within moments Martin found himself looking into two pairs of eyes: one pair sapphire-blue in a golden face, the other pair emerald-green in a chocolate-brown face.

Two voices, both sweet and musical and golden, spoke to him in unison:

"Don't worry, Martin dear, I found you again!"

* * *

Cue the evil dramatic music while I laugh dramtically evil.

BWA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


	11. A New Form of HareSpeech

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

**!!WARNING!!** The following contains MAJOR random silliness. Viewer discretion is advised.

* * *

Columbine was _really _weirded out. Why was Gonff acting all cheesy and . . . _Stu-ish,_all of a sudden? She jogged to catch up with him, watching as his tubby figure giggled as he ran to catch up with "Laterose", who was running out in front of them, looking for all the world like some ethereal being with the golden headfur growing from her head flowing about and dancing with roses and butterflies coming forth from her tresses.

The mousewife was now not only really weirded out, but also _really _disgusted by all the flowers falling from "Laterose's" headfur, and she often did her best to grind her footpaws into the petals, like any sane, non-Sueish female would have.

Finally they came to a cliff-side (here Columbine perked up at the thought of throwing "Laterose" from the cliff, but she was too tired from all that running to be throwing Sues off of cliff-sides), where "Laterose" paused and watched the sunset.

"Laterose" looked dazzlingly stunning against the fiery backdrop of the setting sun and the flame-colored clouds, looking even more ethereal and beautiful than ever before.

Columbine snorted at her, then looked at Gonff, who was sitting with a blank look on his face. Going over to him, Columbine crouched down next to her husband and whispered furiously in his ear, _"What the heck is the matter with you?!"_

"What's that?" "Laterose" asked.

"Uh, nothing!" Columbine replied. "Just, um . . . it's just . . . _do you know where you're going?!"_

"Salamandastron of course," "Laterose" replied, looking at Columbine with huge hazel eyes that sparkled ever so brightly. "That's where the vermin have taken him, right?"

Columbine stared for a moment, then nodded. "Riiiiiight."

At first the mousewife considered telling "Laterose" that Martin had been kidnapped by two rabid fangirl Sues, but then again, she supposed "vermin" would be a nice thing to call those two.

Just then a very clear image came into Columbine's mind, that of "Laterose" pulling a sword on Mareah and Polly, and the three going at it. Surely, if _three_ Sues fought each other, _one_ of them would die? Two Sues were much better than _three,_ and it'd be an awful lot easier killing off just the two after the third was done in.

Columbine then sat back on her paws and smiled at "Laterose". "Yes, we simply _must_ get to Salamandastron, with all haste!"

"Yes, let's!" agreed "Laterose". "But first, let me sing for you. I have a splendid singing voice, you know," she added in a bubbly fashion. "Martin always told me so! Ahem. . . ." then she started warbling.

Columbine winced and covered her ears, though Gonff looked entranced, his eyes glazing over and drool falling steadily from his chin.

_Oh great,_ Columbine thought. _Don't tell me he's only acting like this just because he fell under a Sue-spell! Uuuuggggghhhhh. . . ._

* * *

There was another group enjoying the sunset.

Well, not really.

Both Mareah and Polly, though very glad to have Martin back in their posession, they still both very annoyed by the other's presence, and kept on telling the other to bugger off. Martin, in the meantime, was back in the position they had him in when they left the abbey, only they weren't hand-gagging him, preferring to use their free paws to stroke his chest - or claw at each other.

"Go away!" Polly snapped at Mareah. "He doesn't want you around, you can tell he hates you!"

"No he doesn't!" screamed Mareah. "He _loves_ me more than he'll ever hate you!"

_"I_ am his SOUL-MATE!"roared Polly (who was annoyed that not once, but_ twice _again Mareah's name had been put in front of her's in the text). "He and I are _DESTINED _to save Mossflower together and _live happily ever AFTERRRR!!"_

"You are wrong," stated Mareah matter-of-factly.

While the two Sues argued like this, poor Martin dearly wished that something would happen soon that would make them _just _shut _uuuuppppp. . . ._

And something _did_ happen to make them shut up.

A hare suddenly popped up out the sand (shaking itself a little like a dog), and stood before them, paws akimbo.

Both Mareah and Polly (here Mareah looked smugly at Polly; that was the _third_ time in this chapter that Mareah's name had been put first; Polly snarled at her) instantly left off arguing and stared blankly at the hare.

Martin also stared, but then he suddenly became aware that the hare had came out of _sand._

"Hey," he said slowly. "Why are we talking about sand? We're not at the beach already . . . are we?"

"I think you are," the author replied.

Martin looked around and saw that it was true - sort of.

There was nothing but sandy flat-lands all around, but the ocean was nowhere in sight. Or smell or sound or . . . yeah, you get the idea.

As for the hare, it was a male, and was probably the most disproportionate creature Martin had _ever _seen: the ears were longer than most hares, although the face was almost much too handsome. The shoulders were also quite broad, almost impossibly, with a massive chest that receded into a ridiculously tiny waist that would've made Scarlett O'Hara weep with shame (Scarlett O'Hara's waist was 17 inches, in case anyone wants to know . . . and in case anyone wants an idea of _how_ small the hare's waist was). The waist then exploded into these _huge_ hips, which connected to the typical big-footed hare-legs.

The hare was clad in a short bright red sleeveless tunic with a black belt that seemed to be acting like a corsette on the hare's torso, and he was decorated with several golden medals all over his chest, all of which looked like they'd been polished most excessively.

For a few moments, the four creatures didn't say a word. They just stared at each other, taking the newcomer's appearance in.

It was the hare who spoke first.

"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!"

"Huh?" was the first intelligent thing Martin could say.

The Sues seemed to comprehend, though.

"We are but weary travellers, seeking rest," they said in unison, unknowingly quoting what Cluny the Scourge said in the Nelvana Redwall cartoon when he first tried to get into Redwall.

"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!" the hare said again, smiling.

"What?" was the second intelligent thing Martin could say.

Again the mousemaids seemed to comprehend what the hare was (trying) to communicate.

"We have come to ask for assistance from the Great Badger Lord, for Redwall Abbey is in great danger, and we need to get back there with an army as huge and soon as possible!"

"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!" the hare said for the third time, smiling and beckoning to them as he hopped away.

* * *

Veil: Did anyone say that this fic couldn't get any sillier? They must be standing corrected.

Kel: Veil! You're not in this fic!

Veil: Neither are you!

Kel: Well I'M the narrator!

Veil: FINE! See if I care! (goes off in a huff)

Kel: Heh heh, anyway. . . .

* * *

_This is worse than when he danced with that crab-lady! _thought Columbine furiously.

The mousewife could recall of how jealous she felt when she heard that Gonff had "danced" with a crab, and wanted to know if it was a lady-crab - how dare he dance with another lady! Gonff had reassured her that the crab had been male, but she still had many sleepless nights where she watched her sleeping husband and wondered if he was dreaming about a beautiful crab-lady to dance with. . . .

And NOW look! Here he was, the lazy bum, getting all moon-eyed over some stupid little Sue posing at Rose!

UGH. She was _not _liking this fic.

"Come," said "Laterose", sitting next to them. "Let's make a fire."

And with those words, a fire suddenly appeared in front of them. Gonff pulled out his flute and began playing a song in a robotic sort of way, which Columbine figured had to do with the Sue. The Sue suddenly looked dreamy-eyed at the mousethief's song, and began to sing again with the voice of a thousand angels.

_Ugh._ Columbine covered her ears again.

After the singing was _finally _done and over with, "Laterose" came and sat down next to Columbine while Gonff clapped stupidly for her.

"Thank you, Gonff, thank you," "Laterose" murmured. Then, after a pause, she began to sob.

"What's the matter with _you?"_ Columbine demanded. Honestly, were Sues this random _all_ the time?

Gonff, however, hurried over and took "Laterose" into a gentle hug, whispering soothing sounds to her. Columbine felt a VERY strong need to slice "Laterose's" head off her perfect beautifully slender shoulders.

"I . . . I'm sorry . . ." gasped "Laterose". "It's just . . . just. . . ."

"Just _what?!"_ shouted Columbine.

"It's all so _terrible!_ I miss Martin _so_ much! And I miss my home, and I miss all that I love, and here I am in this strange world filled with creatures I don't know, and-"

"Oh, boo hoo," snorted Columbine. "We're not much better off than you. AND GET OFFA MY HUSBAND!"

Well, things got a little ugly after that.

* * *

Meanwhile (I think enough time has passed for me to say that again), back at the abbey, Trimp was babbling idiocately to the other abbeybeasts about the monsters that had come out of the little ball that Gonflet had.

"I saw them, I swear! Real live actual _monsters!" _the hogmaid screamed, waving her arms about hysterically. "They called them _Pokemon!"_

"Trimp, Trimp," soothed Folgrim, who had something red about his lips, "you must be tired. Why don't you go off to beddy-by and-"

"What's that on your lips?" Trimp suddenly demanded.

Folgrim's one eye popped. "Oh, er, nothin'! I haven't been catchin' rats and eatin' 'em! Honest I haven't! I - AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!" He ran off screaming.

Trimp stared after him. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

"WHY ARE WE ALL JUST STANDING AROUND TALKING ABOUT POKEMON?!" ROARED ABBESS GERMAINE. "WE SHOULD BE PREPARING OURSELVES FOR WAR, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE AROUND HERE WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME?!"

"No," said Skipper. "We can tell you that its 'everybeast' and not 'everyone'-"

"YES! THAT'S WHAT I KEEP ON TELLIN' 'EM!" shouted Dandin, who completely broke another canon rule (and a logical rule too), as he came running in. "Finally!" he cried, giving the otter a friendly punch on the arm. "Somebeast who understands proper animal grammar! Thanks a lot, Warthon!"

_"DON'T CALL ME **WARTHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!"**_ROARED SKIPPER, GIVING DANDIN A KICK THAT SENT HIM CLEAR BACK INTO HIS OWN TIMELINE.

Germaine groaned. "I need some coffee."

* * *

Martin was bore away across the flat-lands by the two Sues, following the strange-speaking hare, until finally the great fire mountain came into view over the horizon, and within surprisingly few moments, they were standing in front of it and then going up the front steps.

The mountain looked a lot different from what Martin remembered, but then again that probably (in fact, most likely) had to do with the Sue-powers floating around lately.

The hare led them down a great big hallway up to a throne room-

"Now that's just wrong!" Martin shouted. He had been silent throughout most of this fic, and he was getting sick of it! "There was no throne room in Salamandastron! The Badger Lord just hung out in his forge room, or in the Mess Hall where the feasts were! And besides, there's not even _supposed _to be a Badger L-mrrrf!"

Just then the hare slapped his paw over Martin's mouth, saying in a chipper, though slightly subdued, voice, "Oh wot wot, jolly ol' top-hole, wotwot!"

(Translation: "Silence, please, Lord Thingummy is about to enter!")

Martin tried to bite down on the hare's paw, but his lips were pressed firmly together, which further enraged the mouse. As for the two Sues, they stared with blank suprice at their beloved sweetheart, but they had little time for discussion, for the Badger Lord just entered then.

The Badger Lord was freakishly tall, freakishly broad, and way too young to be the typical Badger Lord - in fact, he looked as though he were anywhere from sixteen to twenty seasons (probably the same age as Mareah and Polly-

"STOP PUTTING HER NAME IN FRONT OF MINE!" ROARED POLLY, GOING INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE.

"Don't argue with the author," the author said shortly.

"Hmph!" said Polly.

Now then, the Badger Lord was also freakishly handsome, clad in gold-and-jeweled-armor, with a crimson cape hanging in magnificent swaths from his freakishly broad shoulders, and he held what looked like a scepter (a _scepter!)_ in his mighty paw.

He smiled charmingly at them and said kindly, "What can I do for you, my good mice?"

_Okay, now if _THAT'S _not a bad intrepetation of how a Badger Lord greets his guests, I don't know what is!_ Martin thought furiously.

The two Sues replied to the Badger Lord's word in unison (they were somehow becoming used to speaking in this way), "We have come to ask for your assistance in the protection of Redwall Abbey against-" here they both said the names of the two stoat warlords "-who is the twin-brother of Badrang the Tyrant."

The Badger Lord's eyes suddenly became furious and he blew air out his nostrils like a bull. "That vermin! Attacking Redwall Abbey! I shall slay them and their horde's brutally!"

Martin stared, then rolled his eyes. What a cheesey line.

The Badger Lord then leapt to his feet, proclaiming, "We will march on Redwall _tomorrow!"_

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"shouted the two mousemaids on either side of Martin, although they weren't the only ones cheering.

The whole room was suddenly filled with hares, all of whom looked like exact replicas of the first hare (who still had his paw over Martin's mouth), and were cheering just like the Sues, only with an occasional "wotwot" and "jolly well" and "jolly good" and "top hole" and another "wotwot".

"But first," said the Badger Lord, and everyone became immediately silent. "We must have a feast to welcome our fine guests!"

Again the cheering went up, and the three mice were soon surrounded by the hares, all of whom looked like they wanted to welcome them. Mareah and Polly-

("Hmph!" said Polly, glaring at the text while Mareah smirked)

-where then surrounded by several beautiful haremaids, all of whom had builds identical to their's, only the haremaids weren't nearly as beautiful, and were clad in simple white dresses and wreathed in flower-chains.

The haremaids took the two mousemaids by the the paws and pulled them away from Martin, saying, "Oh wot wot, top hole, jolly well good, wotwot!"

(Translation: "Let's get you cleaned up for the feast, eh wot?")

Of course, Mareah and Polly-

(Polly snorted)

-were not dirty from their (_very short_ I might add) trip, but they were gleefully delighted at the thought of bathing and being decked out in flowers and jewels and whatnot, and so allowed themselves to be led down a hall to a pool-like area that would've put the Mermaid Lagoon from Disney's "Peter Pan" to shame.

* * *

As for Martin, when the two sues let go of his arms and legs, he started crumbling to the ground, but was quickly brought back up by some of the male hares. The hare who (still) had his paw over the mousewarrior's mouth said, "Oh, top hole, jolly well, wotwot, oh wotwot, oh, wotwot!"

(Translation: "Let's get this good fellow a good scrubbing, eh wot?")

One of the other male hares chortled, saying, "Wot wot, oh, wot wot, jolly ol' wot wot!"

(Translation: "He looks like a fearsome warrior 'e does! Warriors like this old fellow don't like baths!")

The other hares roared with laughter and said, "Wot wot, oh wot wot _wot_, wotwot!"

(Translation: "Then's let's give 'im the old onetwo, eh, wotwot?")

Martin was completely at a loss at what the hares were saying, so it came as a complete shock when five of them suddenly grabbed each of his limbs and started pulling their hardest, as though trying to rip them out of his sockets. Of course, due to the loss of feeling in his limbs, the warriormouse wasn't in much pain, although he still could feel a sharpness in his sockets.

"Aarg! Hey what-?!" was all the mouse could really say as he was carried off to a separate hallway down to another washroom that also contained a pool-like area, only it wasn't as girly as the other, and it was filled with some rather slimy, fishy things. . . .

* * *

Mareah and Polly-

(Polly gave another, louder snort)

-were quite enjoying themselves, swimming, splashing, playing, getting decked out in jewels and flowers by the beautiful haremaids, who were each giving them each a thousand complements on their beauty, grace, beauty, singing, beauty, kindness, beauty, thoughtfulness, beauty, bravery, beauty, wisdom, beauty, intelligence, beauty, charm, and their oh so wonderful beauty!

* * *

Martin was having a lousy time.

He was sitting on the edge of the pool, surrounded by the weirdest of hares, all of whom seemed to find it utterly hilarious whenever one of them poured water, seaweed, starfish, and other small, fishy creatures all over him. They lathered him with soap and scrubbed him vigorously, howling with laughter, saying nothing but "wotwot, top hole, wotwot!"

(Translation: "Now here's a clean mousey-warrior, eh, wotwot?")

Sputtering and shaking water from his eyes, Martin, with his numb limbs, could only sit there and take it all, feeling very much like a slave back at Marshank again.

* * *

When the "washing" was _finally _done, the three mice found themselves inside the banqueting hall, where a most delicious feast was set, filled with all the famous Redwall-world goodies (and even a few of the real-world goodies, something which happened due to all the plot-holes in this stupid fic).

Mareah and Polly-

"STOP PUTTING HER NAME FIRST!"

_"NO!"_

Anyway, the two mousemaids were eating as much as they wanted (which was quite a lot), without gaining any weight whatsoever, or spilling any of their food and drink on their clothes, and they both ate with the most perfect manners befitting a Sue.

Martin was still surrounded by the male hares, all of whom were pushing food into his mouth. At first the warrior had been grateful for _finally_ getting some _real _food, but it was not long before he had eaten his fill. However, the hares seemed to be not satisfied with the amount that he consumed, and promptly devoted their time and attention to cramming even more food past Martin's lips.

Yes, I know, that's very strange for a hare to be more concerned with how much others are eating, but keep in mind, these aren't ordinary hares. . . .

* * *

Soon M-

"AHEM!" said Polly.

(Sigh) I mean "the two mousemaids" were soon called upon to sing and dance and perform with their sword-skills and whatnot, which they readily did, eager to show off in front of Martin, thinking that he would see their wondrous feminine strength and kneel down on one knee and ask them (of one them, to be precise) to be his wife.

Unfortunately, Martin wasn't paying them much attention, as the hares were stuffing more and more and still more food into his mouth. Martin's six-pack (which I daringly described in Chapter 8) was again becoming a keg, only unlike the time with the raw fish, it didn't return to its previous form. Instead it grew further and further out.

The hares were delighted by this, and promptly began beating their paws on Martin's paunch like a drum, which actually made a drum-like sound, so they used it for a rhythm to the two Sue's dancing.

Mareah and Polly-

"WILL YOU STOP-"

"HEY! _I'M _THE AUTHOR OF THIS STUPID STORY, SO I CAN PUT WHO'S NAME IN FRONT OF WHOEVER'S AS MUCH AS I WANT! NYEH!"

"Hmph!" said Polly.

Anyway, the two Sues, being so wrapped up in their own stupid selves-

"Hey!" they protested.

-didn't notice the treatment Martin was being given, and continued to dance, sing, and sword-fight, thinking only of how cool and glamorous they looked and fantasizing about how romantically Martin would propose to them.

_As if!_ Martin thought savagely as another chocolate cake was shoved into his mouth.

Finally, Martin's belly got so big that one of the hare's thought it'd be perfect use for a punching bag. He jumped up in front of the mousewarrior and slammed his fist into Martin's large gut, knocking the wind out of the mouse.

Martin gasped for air, but the only thing he got in was an apple pie and three flans. The hares surrounding the mouse howled with even more laughter, and each took turns punching Martin's potbelly while the rest continued to shove even more food past his gasping jaws.

Well, finally, after so much food and so much belly-punching, Martin began to feel a little queasy and. . . .

"Bleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg!"

All activity ceased as everybeast turned and stared in Martin's direction, only nobeast could see him, as some of his hare-"friends" stood in front of him with overly big, slightly nervous grins on their faces, while the rest of them hurriedly scrubbed up the mousewarrior's mess.

Shrugging, the other creatures went back to their feasting, although Ma- er, I mean, the two mousemaids went over with concerned looks on their faces.

"What is it? What's the matter? Where's Martin?"

The leader of the hare-group shifted his eyes nervously, but he answered them soon enough, "Er, wot wot, er, wot wot, oh wotwotwotwot. . . ."

(Translation: "Oh, he was feelin' a bit tired, and so we sent 'im off to bed.")

Even though he trailed off to a mumble, the mousemaids looked relieved.

"Can we go and see him?" asked Mareah.

"Hey! That's MY line!" shouted Polly.

"Don't start that AGAIN!" groaned Mareah.

"Whatever," scowled Polly.

"ANYway," Mareah snapped, and turning back to the hare, "Can we go and see Martin?"

The hare glanced nervously behind him, then turned back to them with an even bigger, even more nervous smile. "Er, oh wot wot, jolly ol', wot wot!"

(Translation: "Yes, you may, but I suggest you get along to your own rooms now and rest up a bit. We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.")

(Yes, I know that the translation sentence is way longer than the original sentence, but hey, its a random humor fic!)

"I suppose you're right," Mareah relented.

Polly was annoyed at how much more limelight Mareah was getting, but she knew that that wouldn't last much longer! Hee hee hee!

* * *

As soon as the two mousemaids went away, the hare turned back to the other hares and Martin.

"Wot wot, top hole, wot wot?" he asked them.

(Translation: "Did you get the mess cleaned up?")

"Wot wot, ho, wot wot!" replied the others.

(Translation: "Yes, it's all cleaned up, sah!")

The hare nodded, relieved. Then he grinned again. "Wot wot!"

(Translation: "Let's do it all again!")

The other hares gave a cheer. "WOT WOT!"

(Translation: "OKAY!")

And they did.


	12. The Filler Chapter

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

A great many stories have filler chapters.

Some stories even _need _filler chapters, just to keep the story from getting boring and to let the readers know that you haven't given up on your fic.

Or sometimes filler chapters are used because even though the author knows what to write next, he realizes that he can't write about _that_ stuff until he establishes some other stuff _before_ that stuff.

Hmph.

Anyway. . . .

Here we go!

* * *

Trimp was determined to figure out all the going's on at Redwall - it was her duty as the "pretty maiden that remained back at the abbey to help out and add more to the storyline lest the storyline be one-sided and such."

Okay, first of all, she had to figure out what _Pokemon_ were.

Second of all, she was a bit worried that Folgrim might have gone back to his old ways of eating rats and vermin and such.

"But then again," the hogmaid said, speaking to herself, as there wasn't anybeast else around save for the author, "what if I was to send Folgrim out into the vermin horde and he could eat them all up? That'd certainly lessen their numbers and increase our chances of winning, wouldn't it? After all, the vermin out there are just stereotypical vermin with no names, no personality, no back-stories, nothing, so it really wouldn't be a loss, would it?

"But then again," the hogmaid conceded, "that would be setting a bad example and promoting cannibalism, so I suppose that's out of the question-"

Just then, Folgrim himself came sulking out of a door, looking in the opposite direction that Trimp was in, only to slowly turn his head and-

"AUGH! TRIMP! I- I-!" the otter screamed, his lips completely covered in red.

Trimp noticed that the otter hurriedly hid something behind his back; something gold and . . . _heart-shaped?!_

"Folgrim," the hogmaid said slowly. "What's that behind your back?"

"Um, NOTHING! I mean uh . . . what are you talking about? I haven't got anything of your's behind my back!" the otter was backing away most fearfully.

Trimp was walking steadily forward, her eyes narrow slits.

"Folgrim," she said softly. "Is that . . . . . . . _my MAKE-UP CASE?!"_

The big otter twitched. His one eye looked to the side before resting on the hedgehog (whose spines seemed to have become even more spiky than normal).

"No," he whimpered, trembling fitfully.

"It _IS!"_shouted Trimp. "What are you doing with my make-up case -" the hogmaid suddenly drew in a long, _long_, gasp.

"Folgrim," she said softly, stepping even closer. "Is that . . . my _new red lipstick on your lips?!"_

Folgrim, whose lips Trimp finally noticed, trembled even more, so that whatever he was holding behind his back, opened, and out fell something that rolled around to the feet of Trimp.

Trimp picked up the item and held it up.

It was a lipstick tube that had been excessively used.

"Heh heh," grinned Folgrim, his white teeth a sharp contrast against his red, heart-shaped lips. "How'd that get there?"

"FOLGRIM!" SCREECHED TRIMP. "THAT'S _**MY** BRAND-NEW LIPSTICK! _HOW _COULD _YOU?!"

"Oohhh. . . ." groaned Folgrim. "But it makes me feel so _pretty!"_

Trimp stared.

Then she took another step forward. "I'll show_ you_ pretty. . . ."

"Eep!" was all the otter said before he turned and ran flat-out with Trimp at his heels, screaming all the terrible things she was going to do to him.

* * *

Back out in Mossflower Woods somewhere, "Laterose" was grumpily walking ahead of Gonff and Columbine.

They had just gotten out of their little . . . "disagreement" (which consisted of "Laterose" and Columbine catfighting a bit, and of Columbine giving Gonff a few dozen slaps across the face), which resulted in "Laterose" not speaking to Columbine, Columbine going into a smug silence, and Gonff coming out of his stupor and returning to normal (that is, as normal a canon-character can be in a random humor fic, so Awsomewriter123 needn't be worried about Gonff turning Stu anymore).

"Sorry about . . . you know," the little mousethief whispered to his wife, who only gave him a smile and a peck on the cheek before putting her paw in his.

"Laterose", in the meanwhile, gave her beautiful head a toss, although some part of her was thinking, _Well, I suppose its for the best. I'm not here after _Gonff,_ I'm here after _Martin!_ I mustn't waste my skills and beauty on the _sidekick_, no absolutely not! I must keep myself fresh and pure and good and golden and beautiful for my lovely handsome warrior _Maaaaaartin,_ who I shall rescue from the clutches of such evil vermin!_

Columbine then noticed how wherever "Laterose" stepped, flowers of all kinds would spring up in her delicate footprints' place.

Snorting, the little mousewife gleefully dug her footpaws into the overly-colorful and overly-scented sue-petals.

* * *

"Mother did _not _love you more! She loved ME!" shouted Drakar.

"No she did not!" snapped Vayran. "She always loved me more!"

The two warlords had been quarreling like this ever since Chapter 9, completely boring their hordebeasts to tears.

"No she didn't!" wailed Drakar.

"Yes she DID!"

"No she DIDN'T!"

"Yes she DID!"

_"Noshedidn't!"_

_"Yesshedid!"_

_"Noshedidn't!"_

_"Yesshedid!"_

_"Noshedidn't!"_

_"Yesshedid!"_

This went on for awhile longer, until finally the gorgeous vixen with the red-gold fur stood forward and said, "Why are you two fighting over your mother? I thought you guys didn't realize the other existed until this fic was created."

The two stoats stared at the vixen, then at each other, then at the vixen, then back at each other. The two warlords then shuffled their feet, muttering apologies to one another.

"Sorry, bro," one muttered.

"Yeah, same 'ere," the other replied.

"Hey," said Drakar. "Which of us said which line?"

"What?" said Vayran.

"One of us said, 'sorry bro' and the other said 'yeah same 'ere'. I wanna know which one of us said which!" whined Drakar.

"Shut up," snapped the author. "It don' matter!"

"That's improper grammar!" said the vixen.

"What do you know?!" demanded the author. "You're just an OC! You guys are _plagued_ with bad grammar and poor spelling!"

The vixen, whose name was Redjewel Flowerblade, "hmph"ed and turned away.

"ANYway," snarled Vayran. "Let's get a move on! I'm sick of sitting around here! Let's go conquer the abbey!"

"OKAY!" agreed Drakar cheerfully.

* * *

Just then a pretty young mousemaid by the name of Lilygold appeared inside Redwall Abbey.

"Hey," said Folgrim, peering closely at her. "Are you a Mary-Sue?"

"No," said the young mousemaid, giving the lipstick-wearing-otter a look.

"YES YOU ARE!" screeched Folgrim, pointing a claw at Lilygold, before stopping to look at the claw in question. "Hmmmm, I really should get some claw polish to match my lipstick."

_"Noyouwon't!" _shouted Trimp, who had finally caught up with Folgrim. She grabbed the otter by the rudder and promptly started whirling him around the room.

Folgrim screamed bloody murder as he watched the world around him become a blur, until finally the hogmaid let go, sending the otter straight through a nearby wall. This particular wall, on its other side, just so happened to be the one that the tapestry of Martin the Warrior hung on. Folgrim's head had went through the wall where Martin's face used to be, making it look like the mousewarrior's picture had an otter-make over it.

"Hm," mused Skipper, who had been in Great Hall at the time, looking up at the tapestry. "Otter the Warrior."

Folgrim rolled his eyes. "Oh, Uncle Warthon, bad joke, man! Bad joke!"

"DON'T CALL ME _WARTHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!" _ROARED SKIPPER, PUNCHING FOLGRIM IN THE FACE.

The younger otter went crashing backwards, and landing straight on Trimp, who had immediately rolled up into a ball so Folgrim would definitely land on her spikes.

"E-_YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!" _screamed Folgrim, clutching at his rear as he shot straight up into a florescent light, thus breaking another Canon law.

* * *

"Hey!" shouted Lilyrose, Martin's daughter. "I am completely irate that I have been ignored during this whole fic! It's not fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair!" snapped Derean. "_I_ lost my _promotion!"_

"Who cares?" retorted Lilyrose. "Anyway, I've got to find my father and heal his heart-wounds over my mother!"

"Not if I find 'em first!" snarled Derean, pushing past her and setting off in some random direction.

"Do you even _know_which direction my dad went in?" Lilyrose sarcastically asked.

Derean paused, turned around, and looked at the beautiful mousemaid. "Honey, this is _fanfiction_, I'm gonna find him no matter where I go!"

And with that, the rat set off with Lilyrose at his heels.

* * *

Could things get any worse?

Columbine: Well _DUH!_

Of course they could.

Please stay tuned for the next chapter installment. X)


	13. Onto Redwall!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

Martin could recall a few times when he had been accused of prejudice.

Now usually 'prejudice' in the Redwall section of fanfiction meant that woodlanders always mistreated vermin, putting them down and never giving them a chance and whatnot.

Well, the first warrior of Redwall was pretty certain now he could prove those accusations wrong!

But even before fanfiction came into Martin's life, he wasn't prejudiced against vermin. He had hated the pygmy shrews for imprisoning him, the Gawtrybe squirrels for attacking him, and that crabby hedgehog Aggric or whatever his name had been for drugging him. Plus, Martin had also saved a searat from some seagulls, but the searat had died already, but Martin had given him a proper burial in the end.

So no, Martin was not prejudiced against vermin. And why am I talking about this?

Because at this moment, Martin hated the Salamandastron hares more than he ever hated any of the evil woodlanders he'd come across in canon. And why shouldn't he? They had kept up him almost half the night, stuffing his face with all sorts of food, expanding his belly, which they repeatedly used for boxing-practice, causing him to upchuck several times, but they kept on doing it as though it was their main purpose in life. And the most annoying thing about the whole ordeal was that they kept on saying nothing but "Wotwot, top hole, eh, wotwot!"

Martin groaned a little rolled over; he was now semi-conscious with no idea where he was. He placed a paw on his belly, bemoaning the fact that his beloved six-pack was now gone, and in its place was a keg, a keg that was by far much bigger than Gonff's.

The warriormouse gave a snort in spite of himself. He was actually rather glad that Gonff hadn't been there to see what Martin had to go through. He could see the mousethief now, watching as the hares stuffed Martin silly, and then saying with an irritating grin, "So _this_ is what its like to be the thin one."

Martin gave another groan and rubbed his belly--

--only to realize that it didn't feel round and protruding anymore.

The warriormouse's eyes snapped open. Sitting up, Martin looked down and saw. . . .

. . . his beloved six-pack.

_"YES!" _Martin yelled, punching the air with as much force as the hares from last night did. The warrior was so happy he could've danced a jig, except he opted to get a bearing of his surroundings.

Martin saw that he was in a room of some sort, and judging by the rocky walls, he was still inside the mountain. The room consisted of a small desk, a book shelf, a dresser, a full-length mirror, and a small bed which Martin was sitting on. The mouse tried to recall exactly what happened last night, but his memory was nothing more than a jumble of meadowcream-covered-cakes and barrels of strawberry cordial and belly-punches and "wotwot" and "top hole, wotwot!"

Shaking his head, Martin got up from his bed and went over to the mirror. His strikingly handsome reflection stared back, and Martin was again relieved that his figure had gone back to its old shape - must have something to do with fanfiction or something.

Then something occured to Martin: his limbs had gotten their feeling back!

_"WAHOO!" _shouted the mousewarrior, finally doing a jig. Oh, how lovely it was to be able to move one's own limbs! Oh, it was just _wonderful. . . ._

However, his reflection's face became annoyed at the fact that he was still in his loincloth, and there were no clothes around, nor were there any blankets or curtains around to serve as clothing!

Oh well. Things could be worse.

And suddenly they were.

"No, I'M going to go wake him!"

"No I will!"

"No I will!"

"No I will!"

"No I will!"

_"No I will!"_

_"No I will!"_

_AACK! _was Martin's first thought. The mousewarrior looked about in panic; the mouse-Sues weren't inside the room, but he could hear them quite clearly from outside the door.

_No! They'll grab my arms and legs and I'll lose the feeling in them Ican'tletthathappenagain! _were the following thoughts of Redwall's first champion as he cast about for something to bar the door with.

Finally he grabbed the desk and, with not much difficulty due to his own great strength, slid it across the door. However, fearing that that wouldn't be enough, Martin also took the bed and placed it against the desk. Next he took the empty dresser and did the same with that.

Just as he finished putting it up against the bed, two delicate, lady-like knocks came at the door.

"Oh, _Maaaaaaaaaaaarttttttiiiiiiinnnnnnnn," _cooed two dulcet voices from the other side. "Wake up! It's time to march onto Redwall and save it from the warlords!"

The thought of being with the Sues AND with those hares again made Martin work faster, grabbing the large bookcase.

"Eh, just a minute," he called. "I, uh, need to get ready!"

"Oh, we'll help you get ready!" the Sues replied excitedly.

"NO!" shrieked Martin. "I mean, uh. . . ." he trailed off, not so much because he was searching for an excuse, but because he discovered that behind the bookcase, a window had been hidden. . . .

* * *

On the other side of the door, Polly and Mareah-

"HA!" shouted Polly at Mareah, glad that the author FINALLY stopped putting the other Sue's name in front of hers.

"Hmph!" replied Mareah.

Anyway, the two began to get impatient.

"Martin, why won't you let us come in and help you?" Polly called, furrowing her brow as she put her paw on the door latch.

"DON'T COME IN! I mean, uh. . . ." There was a pause, and then, there was a smile (a sneaky smile) in his voice, "Only _one_ of you can come in."

Both Sues blinked.

Then they turned on each other.

"I should go in!"

"No I should!"

"I should!"

"I should!"

_"I should!"_

"No I should!"

Eh, lets skip that.

Finally, the two Sues argued so much that they drew their swords and fought, but soon after the Badger Lord came striding up.

"What are you two _doing?!" _he demanded. "We were waiting for you to grace us with your lovely beautiful perfect appearances at breakfast, and you never showed up! We are supposed to be going to Redwall today, remember, and this is our last chance to have a good meal before we reach Redwall where we will certainly defeat the enemy and have an even huger feast than the one from last night! Why, even Martin's hare-friends from last night saved him a spot with them for breakfast, and they even kept him a bite to eat!"

The author would like the reader to imagine just how much the Badger Lord meant by "a bite".

"We were trying to help Martin come down, but only one of us can help him," the mousemaids' replied meekly.

The Badger Lord rolled his eyes and marched over to the door. Bringing his foot back, he brought it forward and kicked the door (and all the barricading furniture) in.

"Now come on, Martin!" the Badger Lord said, heading into the room (whether he had to duck or the doorway was very tall, the author was too lazy to decide which). "None of this nonsense, come out this instant! Your hare-friends want to share breakfast with you!"

Mareah and Polly-

"HEY!" shouted Polly.

"Shut up," snapped Mareah. "Let's get on with the story!"

"Hmph!" retorted Polly, but she made no comeback.

Anyway, they squeezed their way past the Badger Lord . . . only to see that the room was . . . empty.

"He's GONE!" the mousemaids shrieked. They were annoyed at this, but at the same time, each was thinking the exact same thing: _sidequest! _Where they save Martin from his kidnappers and they share a tender moment where they profess their love for one another--

"HEY!"

Snapping back into reality (or as close to reality as they could), the two mousemaids looked over at the Badger Lord, who was standing at the window.

"There he goes! See, can you see him? Where do you suppose he's going?"

Exchanging shocked looks, Polly and Mareah hurried to the window. Both were much too concerned about Martin right now than to argue about who's name should come first (for once, thank goodness).

But they could see him, even though to a normal creature Martin appeared to be none other than a dot moving across the sand. But these were Sues, and they could tell these kinds of things.

For a moment they were completely at a loss as to what their beloved was doing -- but only for a moment.

"Oh!" they cried in unison. "He doesn't want anyone to get hurt because of him! He thinks he should settle the battle on his own! This is JUST like how it was with Rose! He doesn't want me to die like she did! _Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,"_ they cooed, staring at the speck that was Martin adoringly.

"Well," said the Badger Lord, giving the mousemaidens a weird look. "We can't let him go along like this! We must catch up to him and rescue him from himself!" Turning from the window, the Badger Lord (whom the author was too lazy to think up a name for) gave a loud bark, to which one of the hares (a male with shoulders that were probably 75 inches and a waist that was 5 inches and hips that were 70 inches) answered.

"Ready the troups! We're off to save Martin!" the Badger Lord proclaimed.

* * *

Martin was running faster than he ever had in his entire life, because he never had to escape a foe so dangerous. With adrenaline pumping through his system, the mousewarrior was able to keep on running for an extended period of time, though it was not too long before he started huffing and puffing.

Yet the warrior kept on, intent on getting as far away from the Sues, the Badger, and those_ hares_ as possible.

Chancing a look over his shoulder, Martin saw to his satisfaction that the mountain was beginning to fall out of sight, and hopefully it'd be awhile before any of those creatures realized he was gone.

_Heh, with the way those two Sues argue,_ the mouse thought to himself as he ran, _that'll probably take _years!

Laughing, Martin turned into the woods - which just appeared out of nowhere, but at the moment Martin didn't really care - and continued full-speed ahead, thinking all kinds of lovely thoughts about being free from Sues and Stus and--

_WHAM!_

Martin fell down to the ground, another creature going down with him.

"Oh, I am _so _sorry!" the mousewarrior gasped, helping the other creature to their feet. "So sorry, here let me. . . ."

But Martin didn't continue.

He could only stare, horrified, into the dazzlingly beautifully glowing face of his lost love, Laterose of Noonvale.


	14. Martin's Announcement

**Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

**!!WARNING!! **

**The following includes a LOT of randomness, so viewer discretion is advised.**

* * *

Martin's eyes and mouth went round for a split second, and then he tried to run away--

--except the Sue had a death-grip on his arms like no other.

"MARTIN!" shrieked "Laterose", embracing him in a smothering hug. "OH MARTIN, HERE I AM! I'M HERE! I'M NOT DEAD ANYMORE! I'M ALIVE! I NEVER DIED, YOU JUST _THOUGHT_ I DID!"

Martin tried to scream, but he could only produce a few choked gurgles, which the Sue mistook to be "sobs of love."

"Oh, Martin, its alright," "Laterose" soothed. "It's not your fault, I'm alright, I'm here now, everything is going to be better-"

"HEY!" roared a voice.

Martin and "Laterose" looked in the direction of the voice, and Martin could certainly say he never felt better at the sight of Gonff and Columbine - even if Columbine looked ready to kill somebeast.

"Oh Columbine!" "Laterose" cried happily, dragging Martin over to the other two mice. "Isn't it lovely?! Martin is here with us now! _Now we can all go on a double-date!!"_ the Sue screeched gleefully.

Now if _that_wasn't one of the more disturbing things Martin, Gonff, and Columbine ever heard. . . .

As "Laterose" turned again her attention to Martin (and proceeded to attempt to kiss him, but he wriggled his head around quite a bit, squealing "NO! Nononono no! NO!"), Columbine gave a snort.

Hmph, stupid Sue. Oh well, things were looking up. They had Martin back again, and now they had to get back inside the abbey to fight against the vermin horde and kill the stupid sues - all of the sues, mind.

"Now, Rose," Columbine said, going over to "Laterose" and gently prying her off of Martin. "We can talk later. Right now we must get back to the abbey to fight the horde-"

"Horde? What horde?" "Laterose" asked sharply, finally turning away from Martin's lips.

Columbine went on, trying to keep the Sue from trying to kiss Martin. "There are two horrible hordes led by Badrang's twin-brother and _only_ _you can save us!"_the mousewife said, wringing her paws, pretending to be in great distress.

"Laterose" stood up taller, still clutching at Martin's wrists, her pink tail wrapped around his legs, and yet somehow she looked dazzling, her long golden headfur billowing about in the sudden breeze.

"Don't worry," she proclaimed majestically. "I shall help you all with the assisstance of my true love, Martin the Warrior-"

**_"WHAT?!" _**SHRIEKED TWO VOICES.

Martin, Gonff, Columbine, and "Laterose" all jumped and turned to see none other than Mareah and Polly (who was too distracted to notice that the author had put Mareah's name before her's again).

And not only that, but behind the two mousemaids was the Badger Lord, who was completely decked out in gaudy golden armor with golden spikes and jewels and a magnificent scarlet-purple cape.

And, to further Martin's horror, was a whole army that consisted of every male hare from the Odd!Salamandastron (as storiewriter so wonderfully put it), except for one hare that was obviously female, but the readers weren't supposed to know that because she was dressed exactly like the other hares, even though she was at least two heads shorter than they and possessed a lithe, slender build as opposed to their impossibly broad-shouldered, ridiculously narrow-waisted, comically wide-hipped bodies.

"Hold on there, bub!" shouted Mareah and Polly in unison. "Martin is MY true love!"

They rounded on each other furiously. "No he's MY true love! No MY true love! No MY true love! No mine! No mine! No mine! No mine!"

They went on like this for awhile before "Laterose" finally sputtered, "Wha- _noooooooooooooooooo,_ he's MY true love!"

The other two mousemaids whirled on her. "NO HE'S NOT, HE'S _MY_ ONE TRUE LOVE!"

"No he's mine!" shouted "Laterose".

"No mine!"

"No mine!"

"No mine!"

"No mine! I'M Laterose, after all!"

_"WHAT?!_ No you're not! You're supposed to be DEAD!!"

"Well I'm NOT!" snapped "Laterose". "Besides, he's MINE now!"

"No he's NOT!" shouted the two mousemaids, but before they could lunge forward and grab Martin, another voice came ripping through the woods.

_"FATHER! DON'T WORRY DADDY! **I'LL **SAVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!"_

And with that, a beautiful mousemaid with silver-golden-brown fur came hurtling out of nowhere and swung her sword at "Laterose".

"Laterose" screamed and dodged out of the way as Lilyrose landed neatly beside Martin, who had fallen to the ground in shock.

"Don't worry, father!" Lilyrose proclaimed, pointing her sue-sword at the other three Sues. "I won't let these vermin torment you anymore!"

_"VERMIN!?" _SHRIEKED THE OTHER THREE MOUSEMAIDS. "HOW DARE YOU?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

"I am Lilyrose, daughter of Martin the Warrior and Laterose of Noonvale!"

Silence.

Dead silence.

Then "Laterose" spoke. "No you're not!"

"Yes I AM!" screeched Lilyrose.

"No you're not! I'M Laterose, I would know if I had a daughter!"

Lilyrose gaped at "Laterose", and then scowled. "You're not my mother, my mother's dead!"

_"I AM NOT **DEAD!"** _ROARED "LATEROSE".

"Ladies, ladies," said Gonff, waving his paws as he stepped in between the raging mousemaidens. "I'm sure we can solve our problems with words if we just-AUGH!"

The mousethief barely had time to dodge the four sue-blades that were suddenly whirling through the air.

Columbine then realized that the Sues were distracted enough for her to seize Martin and get back to the abbey with him; the four mousemaids were fighting each other (with any luck they'd all kill each other off), and the Badger Lord and the hares were watching them with "0o" looks on their faces.

The mousewife then began to look around for Martin--

--only to find that he was gone! AGAIN!

_NO!_ thought Columbine, but just then-

_"EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"_

Martin himself came running through the fray, causing the four mousemaids to stop in their fighting and all present to stare at him.

As soon as he was certain he had everybeast's attention, the mousewarrior made an announcement:

"I never wanted to be a warrior. . . .

. . . I always wanted to be. . . .

. . . _A LUMBERJACK!"_

Columbine's jaw dropped. It was official. The warrior of Redwall had cracked.

_And he didn't go all bloodwrathy!_ she thought irritably. _He could've killed all the Sues while he was at it!_

As the first champion of Redwall Abbey continued on with his song, suddenly an otter was thrown into their midst.

The otter (Folgrim) stood up, dusted himself off, and said to Gonff and Columbine, "Oh hey, guys. Trimp got mad at me for using her lipstick, so she kicked me out. Have you ever tried out this new shade of pink?"

Just then Dalaga (who was pointed out to the author by Mossmoon - thanks mate!), a legendary pokemon that controls time, appeared, thanks to Gonflet and Chugger playing with their pokemon cards and poke-balls.

The pokemon then used his power of time to randomly select a few characters from different times of Redwall history to bring to this scene. Why he did that, I can't imagine.

First, Ublaz Mad Eyes appeared in a puff of pink and purple smoke, standing in front of a jeweled mirror with his pink-pearled-crown on his head, dancing a jig and singing, "Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I rule! I rule! It's mah birthday! It's mah birthday!"

(The author would like to point out that that part was inspired by a picture he saw of Ublaz on Deviantart)

Then Zigu came out and said somthing like, "Zounds!" and other weird stuff like how he did in the book.

And just then Badrang the Tyrant appeared.

In a pink dress.

A pink tutu, that is, with a little fairy-wand and a princess-tiara.

He looked a lot like LittlePsychoWolf's drawing of him on her photobucket. ;)

And then Swartt Sixclaw popped out of nowhere, took one look at Badrang, and said, "Oh no. No no no. That color scheme is all wrong. The dress is bubble-gum pink, and look at the jewel in the wand and tiara! Fuchsia! A terrible color-contrast if you ask me. Total fashion disaster."

Bluefen, who had also appeared, gave her husband a look at his little statement before saying, _"Swartt,_ you are the _gayest_ straight-male I have ever met!"

Swartt looked at her, and then looked at Martin (singing the Lumberjack song), Folgrim (with his lipstick), Ublaz (with his little song), Zigu (with his accent), and Badrang (do I really need to say?), before looking back at her.

"Yes, even with _them _around!" snapped Bluefen.

Sunflash the Mace came out with his long, Fabio-like hair from "Redwall and the Haunted Mansion".

"That's not a good sign, Swartt," the big badger said, giving his long blonde hair a toss.

Bluefen sighed dreamily at Sunflash. _"Oooohhh, _a _real_ man. . . ."

Swartt scowled.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"_screamed Gonff. "Too random! TOO RANDOM! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it STOP!"

Gonflet and Chugger came running out and sucked Dalaga back into their poke-ball, which resulted in all the other characters disappearing to their original times.

Everybeast breathed a very deep sigh of relief - and the author knew he'd have to get some aspirin or something for the massive headache he just gave himself. :P

As Gonff and Columbine lectured Gonflet and Chugger about being more careful with their pokemon, the four mousemaids resumed their fight - sort of.

"Let's talk to Martin!" said one of them. "Let's ask him to explain all this!"

"What, which one of us said that?" asked Mareah.

"Does it really matter?" demanded "Laterose".

"But the author only said 'one of them' and I want to know which one of us said it!" complained Mareah.

"Yeah, I wanna know too!" whined Lilyrose.

"Fine," said the author. "It was Polly who said it."

"What? I did?"

"YES YOU DID! NOW GET ON WITH THE STORY!"

"Alright, alright, sheesh, what's his problem?" the mousemaids grumbled as they turned to where Martin was last seen standing--

--only to see that he was gone.

Again.

**_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"_** screamed Columbine.

* * *

**Belated Disclaimer:** I almost forgot to mention that what Swartt said about Badrang's . . . _apparel_ . . . was something LittlePsychoWolf came up with. So give her the credit for that! THANKS WOLFIE! :)


	15. Wakka, or Wakk, or Whatever

Disclaimer**: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

There had been a "background story" in Chapter 14.

And that background story had to deal with the rat Derean.

While all the Sues had been fighting, the rat had kept out of sight, knowing that if he wanted to get his promotion, he would have to lay low until he could kidnap Martin again.

He saw his chance when that weird little pokemon had come out and caused time to shift. Everybeast had been too distracted to take notice when Derean finally snuck out from his hiding place, stole up behind Martin (who was still singing the Lumberjack song), and placed a gag over his singing muzzle. Derean was pretty certain nobeast would blame him for doing _that_; the song Martin was singing was just _awful. _And Martin really didn't have the voice for singing solo. After securely gagging the mouse, who, much to Derean's relieved delight, did not make any resistance. In fact, Martin still continued to sing through his gag, oblivious to all about him.

Derean then slung the mousewarrior over his shoulder and set off into Mossflower woods, back to the vermin camp to claim his promotion. . . .

* * *

Wakka, the former leader of the Gawtrybe, was up in a tree.

He had travelled all the way from his former home in the north down south to Mossflower, looking exactly how he did in the Nelvana Redwall Cartoon: like a caped superhero with feather-like leaves tied up on his head in a jaunty manner, armlets, eyeshadow, and ready to dive into a pool, if that makes any sense. If any of the readers have seen the cartoon, they'd probably know what the author was talking about.

Now even though the Gawtrybe squirrels claimed that Martin had killed Wakka, or Wakk, whatever his name was, it was possible that they were lying, so the author had some canonical ground for bringing him into the story. But why the author had him in the story, pfft, it was anybeast's guess.

Anyway, the grayish-brown-furred squirrel was up in a tree, picking walnuts and acorns and other kinds of nuts, when he suddenly looked down and saw Derean carrying Martin over his shoulder. The mouse was gagged, but his arms and legs weren't tied together. This looked odd to Wakka, but then he heard the both of them humming a weird little tune.

Martin had given up on singing and just when on to humming the Lumberjack song, and Derean had unknowingly joined in. The rat was beginning to think that it was a catchy tune. . . .

Wakka watched the two of them until they were out of his sight. Sighing, the squirrel went back to picking nuts, thankful that fanfiction never came into his life, save for this one fic that the author had found quite amusing, "Crazy Creatures of Mossflower" by Paths Crossing.

If Wakk had been in any other fanfics, he couldn't remember.

"Or I _would_," snapped Wakka to the author. "If the stupid author had read each and every stinkin' fic in the world!"

"Whatever," replied the author in a tone that said he didn't care.

* * *

"Uuuuummmm. . . ." said Vayran Dragontooth, twiddling his paws. "Sooooooooooooooooooo. . . ."

Drakar Vasken pursed his lips. "Goodness gracious-"

(_Since when does a walord say 'goodness gracious'?!_ thought the author)

"-we've just been standing around doing nothing while this fic has progressed! I'm getting _bored! _I thought we were going to go attack Redwall?"

"I did too," said Vayran. "But the author made us wait for some reason!"

"Well, that might have to do with the fact that you guys said you'd return to the abbey in three days, and it hasn't been three days yet!" replied the author.

The two warlords blinked. "Oh yeah . . . well what does that matter?! We're _Stus,_ we don't have to follow the paths of logic! It's our nature!"

"So true," agreed the author.

Just then Derean the rat came marching in, a proud smile on his face and a limp figure slung over his shoulder.

"And where have _you _been?" demanded Drakar.

"I have what they call 'a bargaining chip'," Derean explained smugly, laying the creature over his shoulder on the ground.

Both Drakar and Vayran strode over to the creature . . . and gasped.

"That's not. . . .?" they said in unison, pointing at the mouse.

Derean nodded. "It is."

"No!" whispered the two warlords.

"Yes," replied Derean.

"No!" the warlords said again.

"Yes," Derean said again.

"No!"

Derean blinked but still smiled and nodded. "Yes!"

_"No!"_

Derean frowned. "Yes!"

_"No!"_

_"Yes!"_

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!"

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

**_"YES IT IS!" _**SHOUTED DEREAN. **_"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!"_**

"Only once," grumbled Vayran.

Drakar, however, smiled. He pointed a well-painted-with-purple-claw-polish-claw at Derean, and said, "You, my friend, are getting promoted!"

"YES! WA-_HOO!" _shouted Derean. At long last, he was getting that promotion! Oh happy day!

"Now here's what I want you to do," Drakar said quickly. "I want you to take him," he pointed at the mouse, "and tie him up in front of the abbey, but across the ditch so they won't be able to reach him, and we'll use him as our 'bargaining chip', eh?"

"Yes, Chief!" Derean shouted, giving a smart salute before he hoisted the apparently sleeping mouse off of the ground and striding happily out of the tent.

Drakar took in a long, satisfied breath.

Vayran blinked, scratched his nose, and finally said what was on his mind.

"Who _was_ that mouse?"

Drakar also blinked and looked at his twin.

"That mouse that Derean had with him," explained Vayran. "Who was he?"

Drakar gaped at his black-furred brother before saying in a slow voice, "That was _Martin the Warrior,_the founder of Redwall! One of the Abbey's leaders! We saw him in Chapter 5, _remembeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?!"_

Vayran gave another blink, and said, "Oh yeah!"

Drakar half closed his eyes. "You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?"

"No," admitted Vayran.

* * *

_Anyway, _after Columbine, Gonff, the Sues, the Badger Lord, and the hare army realized that Martin was gone, they set off in some random direction, thinking that, since this was fanfiction, they would come across Martin's trail and find him eventually.

Columbine was displeased at the thought of travelling with all these sues (all of whom were sulking over the fact that their beloved Martin had not been faithful to them - or at least, Polly, Mareah, and "Laterose" were; Lilyrose was upset that her father had thrown away the memory of her mother as though she meant nothing to him, but then again, they all reasoned that it wasn't Martin's fault, and that it was the fault of those other three crazy mousemaidens!), and what was up with these hares?! They were . . . _freaks! _Those ridiculously broad shoulders and hips, and those freakishly tiny waists, they made her sick to her stomach!

Gonff, however, was conversing cheerfully with the hares, and even seemed to comprehend their language. From what he heard, Gonff learned that Martin was a hero to the hares, due to his eating five times more than King Bucko Bigbones had when he challenged Dotti to that eating contest. Gonff was certainly shocked that Martin, with his great chest muscles, had gotten himself a a very large potbelly, and was sorely regretful he hadn't been there to see it.

The hares were also sorely regretful, but that was because Martin wasn't around for them to pound on his belly for music/boxing-practice. One of the hares pounded experimently on Gonff's paunch, but sadly said that it just wasn't the same as Martin's.

Just then a tree-branch above them broke and down fell none other than Wakk, who was immediately set upon by the hares, all of whom put their sabre points at his chin and said, "Wot wot, top hole, jolly well blinkin' top hole, eh wotwot!"

(Translation: "I say, who are you and what's y'business? Speak up!")

The poor squirrel was completely at a loss and could only lay there, his mouth and eyes wide with shock.

"Aye, aye!" objected Gonff. "Now let the poor beast up and away with those swords, you're scarin' 'im!"

"HEY!" shouted the Badger Lord. "Nobeast orders my hares what to do except ME!"

"My apologies, great Badger Lord," Gonff said humbly, bowing as low as his paunch would allow him. "But your hares are such formidable beasts, perhaps _I_ should be the one to talk to the squirrel so he may not be too scared to speak?"

Placacted, the Badger Lord nodded. The hares lifted their swords from Wakk's neck and Gonff kneeled down next to the squirrel.

The four Sues, it might be noted, eyed Wakka not in a suspicious manner, but in a way that said they were taking notice of how . . . _good-looking_ he was. Columbine noticed this, but the Sues quickly looked away, except for Lilyrose, who wasn't here to marry Martin, after all!

"Now there, there," Gonff soothed. "Calm down there, mate. What's yer name, and tell us if you've seen a very well-built mouse with gray eyes named Martin the Warrior singing the Lumberjack song come along through here?"

Wakk didn't necessarily answer; he just pointed in the direction where Derean had taken the mouse.

"Oh good!" said Gonff cheerfully. "Now we know where to look! Thanks, Mr. Squirrel-!"

"Wait a minute!" Columbine said, looking at the text. "Mr. Author, what do you mean 'Derean had taken the mouse'?"

Lilyrose left off gazing at Wakka and gasped. "Oh no! That horrid rat said he was after my father to take him to the horde leaders!"

_"WHAT?!"_ shouted everybeast.

"WE'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM!" screamed the four Sues, and they ran off, the Badger Lord and hare-army at their delicate perfect heels, leaving Gonff, Columbine, and Wakka in the dust.

"Hey, wait for us!" shouted Columbine as she hurried after them.

Gonff started to follow, but hurried back and shook Wakka's paw. "Thanks again!" he said before turning to chase after his "comrades".

Wakka stared after them, then got up and walked in the opposite direction, whistling the Lumberjack tune to himself. . . .

_I never wanted to be a Gawtrybe leader. . . ._

_I always wanted to be. . . ._

_. . . A LUMBERJACK!_


	16. The Final Battle

Disclaimer**: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

Drakar Vasken and Vayran Dragontooth hurtled from their tent when they heard coarse, stereotypical vermin voices singing the lumberjack song.

_"What the-?!"_

The walords were greeted by a most peculiar sight: Martin and Derean were standing in front of the entire horde, singing at the top of their lungs, the lumberjack song, with all the horde acting as their chorus.

_"With my best gal by my side,"_ Derean sang, grabbing the vixen Redjewel, who looked utterly horrified by the whole deal.

The stoat brothers could only stare, completely shocked, until finally Drakar strode forward and yelled, "Silence! All of you! Silence!"

But the horde only sang louder and louder.

"Silence! _Silence!_** Silence!"**

**_"HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"_** roared Vayran.

_That_ got the horde to settle down - except for Martin, who continued to sing his little heart out.

"What is the meaning of this?!" demanded Drakar, striding over to Derean.

Derean gave a flourishing bow, saying cheerfully, "I wanted to learn the words to that song. It's actually pretty catchy once you get used to it. Next thing I know the whole horde is singin' it. Do you want to sing along too, Chief?"

"NO!" shouted Drakar. "Your orders were to tie this mouse to a stake in front of the abbey across the ditch! _Now go to it!"_

Grumbling, Derean complied, slinging Martin effortlessly over his shoulder and setting off, the mousewarrior still singing.

_"I wear high heels, and a dress,"_ Vayran quietly sang to himself.

"SHUT UP!" roared Drakar. "No more of that terrible song!"

"Alright, alright! Sheesh, you're no fun," grumbled Vayran.

* * *

Unfortunately, even though he was tied up and gagged again, Martin still continued to hum the tune. He wouldn't stop, not when the vermin piled up wood around his footpaws, or even when Drakar screeched in his face for silence. The mousewarrior carried on, in his own blissful little world, until finally--

--Vayran doused him with a bucket of cold water.

_"Mmrrff!"_ Martin said, coming out of his stupor. Somehow the shock brought Martin back to . . . _the present_ (I could say 'reality', but really, would you call this reality?), and he suddenly found himself tied up (again) and in the presence of vermin.

"Know any prayers, mouse?" Vayran growled, grinning sadistically. "Cuz you'll need 'em."

* * *

Just then the guards came walking up, dragging a feminine-looking creature with them.

"Hey chief," said the leader, a stereotypical verminous weasel, "we found this lovely beautiful perfect gorgeous maiden with mouth-watering beauty sneaking around the camp."

The maiden, who, though she had allowed herself to be dragged along, had screamed uselessly as she was brought up to the warlords, suddenly got to her knees and began throwing up pebbles into the air.

"Ah, you are a seer, are you not?" the two warlords said at the same time.

"Yes, my lord," the stoatmaid said, seeming to have gotten over her screaming fit. She looked up, and the warlords gasped at her beauty, which was indeed mouth-watering.

Her fur was the richest, most dreamiest shade of reddish-brown auburny chestnut, with creamy golden-white fur on her delicate elegant throat, and the largest, darkest eyes framed with long black lashes. She was clad in a soft green sun-dress with dainty, wispy scarves hanging about her body in a most ethereal way.

_Ah, great,_ thought Martin.

"What is your name, beautiful one?" the warlords asked in unison, looking entranced.

The stoatmaid, who looked somewhat taken aback when she realized that there were _two_ warlords, regained her composure and spoke, "I am Starrose Rivernight, O handsome one - er, ones."

"Why are you called 'Rivernight', O lovely fair creature of such wonderful beauty that my own icy black heart melts at thy purity?" the warlords asked, as though in a trance.

"I am called 'Rivernight' because I was found by a tribe of gorgeous otters on a river on a clear cloudless night when I was but a babe. I was--"

But Starrose never got to say what her past was like, for at that moment:

**_"DON'T WORRY, MARTIN! WE'LL SAVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!11!!1!111!!1!"_**

* * *

The four mousemaid-Sues were greatly irritated that Martin was gone from them again, but they thought at the same time how wonderful it would be to save their true love from the warlords! It would be like one of the "dramatic saves" where the warlord is tormenting the sweetheart only to be saved by HER, the one he loved!

Of course, each mousemaid was planning on killing off the other three, and that shouldn't be too hard.

The Badger Lord was just glad to FINALLY be doing something; he needed to look really cool in battle and fun and such! Yippeee!

As for the hares, among them was a haremaid "disguised" as a male, even though her outfight still showed that she was a female because she still wanted to look beautiful. She was intending on showing how great a fighter a female could be and put an end to all the sexism in Mossflower!

The male hares, however, just wanted to find Martin so they could stuff him and use him as boxing practice (poor Martin).

Columbine, however, was planning on killing ALL of them and ridding Mossflower of their freakish existance - heehee heehee heehee giggle giggle giggle giggle. . . .

Gonff, however, wanted to keep the hares alive because they amused him - and he wanted to see Martin with that potbelly. It'd be great to be the thin one for a change. . . .

"GASP!" cried one of the mousemaids. "LOOK! THERE'S MARTIN TIED TO A STAKE! THEY'RE GOING TO BURN HIM!"

For once, the characters weren't concerned with who said what line. The mousemaids drew their swords and raced down to the vermin camp.

**_"DON'T WORRY, MARTIN! WE'LL SAVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!11!!1!111!!1!"_**

(The reader can rest assured the author hated having that awful line in this chapter _twice_)

* * *

All the creatures in the vermin camp jumped at the shouts, but Starrose stood bravely forward, crying dramatically, "NO! You can't slay him! I have come to cleanse his heart so he won't make the same mistakes as his twin-brother!"

At this the four mousemaids paused, all the creatures following them stopping as well.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then the four mousemaids said, "Who are you talking about? Drakar or Vayran?"

It was as though it just occured to Starrose that there were _two_ warlords present, and she could only have _one_ of them.

"She was talking about me!" shouted Vayran.

"NO SHE WAS TALKIN' ABOUT ME!" ROARED DRAKAR.

"NO ME!" SCREECHED VAYRAN.

"NO ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEE!"

Soon both stoats were rolling around in the dirt fighting each other over Starrose's sake.

* * *

"Hey!" shouted Mareah. "I _have_ to kill my bad guy! He imprisoned me!"

"Which guy is your guy?" Polly asked. She had forgotten which warlord had been hers to begin with.

"I can't remember either," said Mareah. "But even so! That gives you no right to come here and take it all away from me!"

"And I _have_ to kill MY bad guy!" shouted Polly. "It's my destiny to do so just because its cool and dramatic!"

"I CAN'T allow you to slay the warlord I have come to save from his wickedness!" protested Starrose. "Not when I just found him! He is my soulmate and heart! I _have_ to reform him!"

"And _I,"_ proclaimed the beautiful haremaid, whose name was Searose Wavegem, and had creamy-white fur and aquamarine eyes, "my save the Badger Lord in battle to show just how a maiden can become a fierce warrior like a male - in fact, I must show that a female can fight _better_ than a male!"

"Well _I_ just have to save Martin," said "Laterose", but she was pushed down by Lilyrose.

"You keep away from my father, you trollop!" she shouted.

_"'Trollop'?! _I'll show you trollop, you little-!"

**_"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"_** SHOUTED ALL SUES PRESENT (INCLUDING THE BADGER LORD, WHO WAS GETTING TIRED OF ALL THE NON-FIGHTING AND SIMPLY THREW HIMSELF INTO THE FRAY).

* * *

The four mouse-sues, the hare-sue, the stoat-sue, the badger-stu, and the warlord-stus were soon all fighting together in their most beautiful and fiercest ways, each of them doing so many cool and dramatic and artistic moves that anybeast watching them would've been blinded.

Suddenly there was a very big **_BOOM,_** which consisted of a very bright light and an **_EXPLOSION!!_**

* * *

And very obviously this isn't the end of the fic, because the author is too smart than to end a fic like this with all the unanswered questions floating around. . . .


	17. The Feast

Disclaimer**: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

Also, all food-descriptions are taken exactly from the books, so I don't really own those either. :P

* * *

First, there was silence. . . .

Then all creatures present lowered their arms cautiously to see what had happened to the Sues and Stus. . . .

. . . but they couldn't see.

And they couldn't see because the Sues and Stus weren't there anymore.

. . .

"Wait," said Columbine slowly. "Does that mean . . . that they're. . . ." She hardly dared to say it, lest she jinx it.

"You won't jinx it," the author soothed. "Because you are right. The Sues are--"

**_"DEAD!!"_** screeched Columbine.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" shouted everybeast else.

And this is how:

As Oreramar had guessed (her 'B' guess, that is), there were _so_ many plotholes and over-lapping sue-stories either clashing or cancelling each other out, that the whole Redwall universe just couldn't take it anymore, so it just sort of . . . _flushed_ the Sues away, for lack of a better term.

And so they were all gone. There was no more Polly, no more Mareah, no more "Laterose", no more Lilyrose, Starrose, Searose, Badger Lord, Drakar, or Vayran. They were all dead and gone. Forever. YAY!

**"Wait!"**

All eyes went back to Columbine.

"Mr. Author," she said slowly. "All the male hares and vermin are still here as well."

"So?" asked the author.

"So . . . aren't they Sues?"

"Meh," shrugged the author. "Not really, they were more or less 'tools' of the Sues to fulfill their dreams/desires. And Derean, I just find him too amusing to kill off. And Redjewel, she's the only female OC present that doesn't have 'rose' in her name, so yeah. . . ."

"So. . . ." said Derean. "What do we do now?"

"ONTO REDWALL!" shouted Gonff, slinging his arms around the shoulders of Columbine and Derean. "That's what we always do at the end of the books! Have a big huge honkin' feast! And you can become the vermin's new leader and live peaceful albeit obscure lives!" the mousethief added to Derean, who looked delighted at the idea and put his other arm around Redjewel.

And so, without much ado, Gonff, Columbine, Derean, and Redjewel led the apparently-reformed-vermin-horde and hare-army back to the abbey.

* * *

The author would like to point out that in chapter 14 Gonflet, Chugger, and Folgrim had made an appearance outside the abbey, but suddenly disappeared. The author would like to explain that they were merely teleported back to the safety of the abbey during the chapter break.

Just in case anybody was wondering.

* * *

As for Martin. . . .

. . . he was still tied to the stake, and gagged so he couldn't yell out for help. He tried to break the ropes, but sadly couldn't, which was really annoying because he didn't want to lose any of the feeling in his arms and legs again.

Just as the mousewarrior hung his head in despair--

"Wotwot! Oh, top hole, wot wot!"

_Oh no,_ was the only thing Martin could think before the hares surrounded him.

Speaking in their weird dialect, the hares untied the mousewarrior, who tried to make a run for it, but was seized by five of the hares, each grabbing one of his legs and arms, and his tail. Martin tried to curl up into a ball, but alas, the hares were stronger than him, and with all of them pulling their hardest, the poor mouse stretched out, just like how it was back at the mountain. Martin groaned and struggled, but his limbs went straight and rigid as the hares pulled on them.

And so they carried Martin like that all the way back to the abbey, where they were greeted by Abbess Germaine who said that the feast was ready - and how she knew to make a feast at that time, not even the author bothered to know, being the lazy bum that you all know and hopefully love. ;)

* * *

Now the feast that had been served at Salamandastron was a huge feast. But compared to the feast at Redwall, it wasn't even a quarter of the size of Redwalls'. In fact, it wasn't even a tenth, or even a one-millionth. The Redwall feast was a _billion_ times bigger than the one at Salamandastron. And there were a hundred more to come.

Gonff was sitting happily with Columbine resting on his shoulder, who was blissful at the fact that all the Sues were gone.

Gonflet and Chugger were playing with their pokemon cards and such, trying to teach the other Dibbuns.

Trimp was furiously scrubbing Folgrim's face, muttering, "Never ever ever ever _ever_ take my lipstick!"

Germaine and the other Redwallers were just simply happy that all things worked out.

Derean and Redjewel were seated like honored guests with their horde of apparently-reformed-vermin, all just as happy and blissful as the rest of the beasts.

As for Martin and the hares. . . .

* * *

When the hares tried to feed Martin again, the mousewarrior kept his mouth tightly shut. Before he had been hungry and willingly accepted the food. But not this time.

However, unfortunately, the hares were very determined to feed Martin, so one of them pinched his nose while another held a marchpane cake with butter-colored meadowcrwam, candied chestnuts, and honey-preserved rosepetals on it near his mouth.

Another hare put both his paws on each side of Martin's head so he couldn't shake off the paw that was pinching his nose. But Martin kept his mouth closed, ready to go blue in the face, until finally, just when the mousewarrior looked ready to burst, one of the hares shot his fist forward into Martin's gut.

"Bwah!" said Martin, opening his mouth in shock - and in slipped the cake, followed by the following:

A large wedge of cheese, an onion-and-leek turnover, a salad with lettuce leaves, watercress and scallions, a damson pudding, a vegtable stew, a warm rye farl, some sliced apples, a latticed pear tart, a gooseberry crumble with meadowcream topping, vegtable salad, fruit salad, an apple pie, an apple sponge pudding, a heavy fruitcake, strawberry shortcake, an almond tart, a honeyed scone, a wild cherry turnover, a thick vegtable flan, an almond cake with candied lilac buds, deeper'n'ever turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot pie, a pear and chestnut flan, and a mushroom flan covered in onion sauce.

After all that, one of the hares bounded forward with a barrel of watershrimp and hotroot soup, and poured all of its contents down Martin's throat, making certain that not one drop didn't make it into the mouse's mouth.

As soon as he was finished with that, steam was pouring out of Martin's ears, and the hares showed they weren't sadistic - in a sense, that is, because they then began to pile the mousewarrior with flagons of ice-cold drinks (here Martin stopped trying to fight and eagerly accepted the drinks):

Plum'n'beetroot wine, gooseberry crush, chestnut and buttercup beer, dandelion and burdock cordial, dandelion beer, pale cider, and nutbrown ale.

After that they began to stuff Martin with biscuits and loaves covered with cheeses of all types: deep yellow through pale cream, some studded with nuts, celery and herbs.

By this time Martin's six-pack expanded, and the hares were using it as a drum. One of the hares began singing a little ditty he made up on the spot, and even though he said only things like "Wot wot, top hole, wot wot!" his song was about Martin and how much the mouse could eat and how big his belly got and how much of a hero he was to the hares.

Damson, apple, and blackberry tarts with pastry latticed tops were then pushed into Martin's mouth, then strawberry fizz, Bubblin' Bobbs, riverbank salad, arrowroot scones with honey, mushroom and chestnut stew, wild onion and leek soup, spring vegtable pasties, nutbread, oatfarls, wheatcobs, blackberry and apple tarts, plum maple pudding, elderberry pie with yellow summercream, gooseberry preserve scones hot with buttercup spread, chestnut brown beer, cherry cake glazed with candied nuts, leek and chestnut pasties covered in thyme and radish sauce, damson and hazelnut flans topped with mint cream, roast chestnuts with cream and honey, clover oatcakes dipped in hot redcurrant sauce, celery and herb cheese on acorn bread with chopped radishes, a huge seed and sweet barely cake with mint icing, pear cordial, strawberry juice, bulrush and watershrimp soup, honeyed toffee pears, maple tree cordial, seedcake, potatoe scones, October ale, and a colossal turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot'n'bean'deeper'n'ever pie with tomatoe chutney, followed by hotroot punch and hotroot celery cream dip.

_At this rate, _Martin thought irritably, _I'll be called 'Martin the Drunken-Glutton'._

Already the hares started using Martin as boxing-practice, but the author decided to be less cruel to the poor mouse.

_Really? How?_ demanded Martin's mind.

This time Martin wouldn't be upchucking like at Salamandastron. And don't worry about Martin's gut, it won't get any bigger with the hares punching it so much.

Martin wasn't so certain if he liked that idea, but then again, _not_ upchucking was good with him.

"Heh heh," said a voice nearby.

Martin's eyes widened and he looked in the voice's direction.

Gonff stood there, grinning that grin that Martin knew he'd grin! The mousethief winked and patted his own stomach, saying, "So this is what its like to be the skinny one, eh, Martin the Belly?"

And with that, the mousethief wandered off, muttering all the titles he was going to give Martin in the furture, such as, "Martin the Potbelly, Martin the Drumbelly, Martin the Fatbelly, Martin the Creambelly, or Martin the Mousebelly. . . ."

Martin could only groan as another seedcake was shoved into his mouth.

* * *

And so all was (reasonably) well at Redwall . . . for a time, that is. . . .

And what story like this doesn't have an eplilouge?!

(In other words, an epilouge is coming up, people)


	18. Epilogue

Disclaimer**: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.**

* * *

Martin the Warrior lay on a bed in the Infirmary, apparently sound asleep. His body had returned to normal, and he was heavily clothed with tunics and robes beneath his soft comfortable blankets.

Gonff, Columbine, and some assorted Redwallers were standing in the doorway, watching the mousewarrior's huddled form.

It was the day after the ridiculously more-gigantic-than-usual celebration feast. As soon as it was done, Derean and Redjewel had led their army of reformed vermin away from Redwall. Gonff had been a little saddened at this; he had really hit it off with Derean, the rat had been a laugh, and Redjewel was . . . er, well, Gonff had assured Columbine several times that the vixen was _hideous_ compared to her, though the mousewife still gave a contemptuous snort whenever she heard Redjewel's name.

"So what was your favorite part in this fic?" Folgrim whispered to break the boring silence.

"_My_ favorite part was when the Sues killed each other," Columbine replied without hesitation. She sighed happily, reliving the wonderful event.

"Actually, they were flushed out by the Canon stuff," pointed out Trimp.

Columbine only grinned wider. "Yeah . . . they were _flushed_ out . . . heeheehee!"

After a few more insane giggles, the mousewife turned to her husband. "So what was _your_ favorite part, dear?"

Gonff shrugged. "My favorite part was where Martin got fatter than me. Its a shame those hares disappeared like that; I'd have invited them over more in the future!"

"Well, don't tell Martin that," Trimp whispered, and they all went back to looking at Martin.

After a few minutes, Folgrim spoke up again. "He doesn't do much, does he?"

Gonff grinned like LittlePsychoWolf. "He does when you do this."

And with that, the little mousethief scurried over to Martin's bedside, leaned _very_ close to his best friend's ear, and whispered, "Wot wot!"

**_"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"_** screeched Martin, flailing about and jumping out of bed.

The mousewarrior was inconsolable, nobeast could stop him as he ran around the infirmary, screaming blue murder and knocking things over until finally--

_WHAM!_

He ran slap-bang into a wall and fell back unconscious.

"Heh heh," said Gonff.

There. And all was well with the world (sort of).

**THE END**

* * *

"Oh wait," said Lilygold, the mousemaid OC that appeared earlier in this fic. "Am I a Mary Sue?"

"I don't know," the author said. "I think I'll have a fic about you where you're wondering if you're a Sue or not."

"Really?"

"No."

"Ah, c'mon, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?! I need to know if I'm a Sue or not! Pleeeeeeze?!"

"We'll see, we'll see!" snapped the author. "Maybe if the reviewers demand it. . . ."

Anyway, you have all seen the completion of yet another fic of mine, and hopefully I shall finish the rest in due course. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I have, and hopefully I'll be able to finish my other works soon as well. Thanks for the reviews everyone, and for the inspiration as well! Bye!


End file.
